Love: Is It Worth It?
Did you know that “tie the knot” refers to the olden days, when couples needed to tie ropes across their new, shared bed frame to support the maggoty, hay-packed marital mattress on which they would finally and at long last make tender, prearranged love to each other in their chilly two-room cottage while their donkey watched through the gaps in the wall? That may or may not be true, but it’s a good story to tell the surviving children. Namely, never marry someone who gets you a rope bed. Or maybe never marry at all. Let’s do the math. Love is math, no?
SOCIAL LIFE
PRO
Single
In 1975, the arbitrator Peter Seitz handed down “the Messersmith Decision,” ruling that, contrary to Major League Baseball’s interpretation of the “reserve clause,” Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Andy Messersmith was not beholden to his club following the completion of his contract but, rather, free to negotiate a contract for his services with any club in the Show. In other words: free agency, baby! Go where you want, when you want, on your own terms, and be the center of attention and object of desire. You’re your own Scott Boras, and every social contact is a pre-dribble-cup George Steinbrenner.
Married
Married people are easy to spot at shitty parties — they’re the only two smiling, over there in the corner, playing the Wonder Boys game. You know the Wonder Boys game, don’t you? Point at a person across the room, and take turns adding details to his tragic, absurd life story? Good times. Plus, you have multiple sets of friends (so overexposure doesn’t happen so fast), someone to go new places with and a deterrent to getting hit on by douchebags. Also, married people have more sex than single people — like Naomi Watts says in I Heart Huckabees, it’s quantity, not quality!
CON
Single
… and there you are, standing by the bar, nodding at the people freshening their drinks, and then averting your hungry gaze to the really fascinating watercolor hanging just above their heads, so everyone’s clear on the fact that you’re actually doing something, not just standing there. Alone. Like it’s a seventh grade dance and you’re too proud to call your mom to pick you up early so you can go home and sob silently while watching taped episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Hey, why not stop at the deli for some Häagen-Dazs on the way home, since it’s not like you could get more unloveable.
Married
Yeah, right, like married people ever go out. And if you feel lonely watching people pair up and drop off the face of the earth, imagine how they feel, in an endless orbit on their increasingly cramped satellite of love. That bar you like that hubby thinks is too snobby? Save the matchbook from your last visit.
Also: children. Pretty much the end of your life as you recognize it, unless having a small child pick your friends for you based on what video game system they bought for their little brat is, like, old news for you.
BREAKING UP
PRO
Single
Although there’s nothing good about breaking up (unless you’re in love with someone else and you’re dumping your boyfriend so you can be free and pursue your real true love at last, in which case, what fun! To love is to live!), if you’re single, it’s at least pretty easy. Besides breaking each other’s heart and possibly ruining at least one of your lives, getting disentangled requires nothing harder than deciding whether you’re going to throw out the photos or put them in a little box so you can look at them later and cry. And deciding who gets which bars. For help on choosing a locale for the breakup, turn to our handy guide on page eight.
Married
In a word: none. Unless you enjoy the thrill of figuring out which books belong to whom. In the best-case scenario — if you’re both totally in agreement about everything and it’s all just a big laugh — a divorce in New York can cost as little as $250, depending on which court you go through, how many fees you incur and what forms you need. Even wrangling an annulment — if, say, one of you can’t have sex, is whoops! under 18, has been insane for five years or was forced or tricked into the marriage — is as costly as a divorce, and often requires more proof. There’s also the worldly mystique of the divorcée, so that’s kind of a pro, sort of.
CON
Single
Hey that was a little TOO easy. I spent the past year ditching my friends and learning to tolerate seitan so we could actually EAT FOOD together at a PUBLIC RESTAURANT, and I spent DAYS coming up with new and convincing ways of complimenting your paintings of LAUGHING TODDLERS, and all I got was this stupid box of the underwear and umbrellas I left at your house, plus the DVD set of Planet Earth that I gave you AS A PRESENT but you gave back because you APPARENTLY AREN’T EVEN INTERESTED IN THE WORLD, you HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE?
Married
Where to begin!? (Oh and let’s say you don’t have kids — we’d need a few extra thousand words to describe the psychological effects of navigating joint custody and successfully getting your kids to hate their other parent.) Even the Lionel Hutzes of divorce law charge at least $175 per hour, with the Johnny Cochranes charging about $500 for each hour of their effort. And even if they spend only a few hours on your case, they commonly charge an initial retainer fee, which can reach $5,000. And that’s just the beginning! Also fun is attempting to start dating again after a sit-up-less decade of gravity has had its way with your midsection.
FINANCES
PRO
Single
You want an iPhone. And a Macbook Air. And maybe some new shoes or some really expensive rare records. You don’t have a dime to your name, and you haven’t picked up the phone in months for fear that it’s another collection agencey, but so what? You work (sorta) hard, and you fucking deserve that stuff. And anyway, you’ve got your credit card number memorized, so it’s not even like it’ll be a hassle. With no one around trying to keep you down, you are free to do with your money (or plastic) whatever your broke-ass heart desires. Plus, you don’t have to buy stupid presents for “that special someone” or go out and drop hundreds of dollars on romantic meals — ramen once a day for a month and you’ll be able to get those vintage golden sneakers!
Married
First, taxes. We won’t bore you with the confusing details, mostly because we don’t understand any of them (our husbands and wives take care of that stuff for us), but suffice to say, you pay less tax once you’re married. And we think you get more back in April, maybe? We don’t know why, and, frankly, we don’t care. Second, and this won’t apply to everyone, but, maybe you have a job in, say, publishing, and you get paid somewhere in the vicinity of, say, minimum wage. When you marry someone with an actual grown-up job, making an actual grown-up salary, it’s likely that you’ll share a bank account. And voila! Just like that, you no longer have to crumple up the ATM receipts before you’re able to see your remaining balance.
CON
Single
Again, you don’t pick up the phone if you don’t recognize the number, because you’re fairly certain Visa has hired someone to come break your knees. You decided you’re too old to have roommates, so you got an apartment by yourself, which you can’t afford without getting yourself into even more debt. This is no way to live, and the sad truth is that unless you’re making serious bank at your job, living in New York City as a single adult is just not an option for a lot of people. Miranda Hobbes pulled it off, but we’re not Miranda Hobbes, and you probably aren’t either, because she’s made-up. Doesn’t exist.
Married
Your spouse likes to bring lunch. You like to buy it. Your spouse doesn’t go to bars with co-workers very much. You do, a lot. Your spouse thinks coffee costs a dollar. You think it costs $4.71, twice a day. All these things, innocuous enough at first, add up, and it starts to make sense when you hear that money problems are the most common cause of divorce. No one likes sneaking around, nervously keeping track of how much they’ve spent, and on the flipside, no one likes having to reprimand their spouse for being an immature idiot. Either way, yuck.
APPEARANCE
PRO
Single
With very few other people in your life to consider and/or care about, you have plenty of “me” time to primp, preen and make yourself look more or less like the Banana Republic ad that’s been staring at you from your bedside table every long, lonely night. As the primary object of your own time and attention, you actually decide to try the repeat step of wash, rinse repeat, and you secretly attempt a juice fast. And guess what? Your hair is healthier and shinier than it’s ever been, and you’re saving a ton of cash by avoiding most solid foods. And you’re certain that people are noticing your sexy self. Somebody appreciates your pretty, pretty hair.
Married
You guys looked great on your wedding day. You were in that awesome suit. She was in the incredible dress. Sure, his eyes were mildly bloodshot and she had an amazing whitehead on her chin, but that’s why they make eye drops and make-up. And as the years went on, you were lucky you had one another around. She prevented you from dyeing your thinning hair, and you begged her not to buy those weird, diaper-looking control-top underwear. Sure you’ve both fantasized about younger, fitter folks, but damn it if it isn’t reassuring to settle into your side-by-side mattress craters each and every night.
CON
Single
our solipsistic skin-care regimen and obsessive wardrobe accumulation is not only hard on the bank account (see Finances), but you’re beginning to wonder if you’ll die alone in a pile of organic body butter jars and overpriced woolen accessories. Late at night, you picture the discovery of your professionally massaged and moisturized corpse and (though you look great) you wonder if your life wouldn’t have been more fulfilling had you pointed your love ray outward rather than inward. Still, you take comfort in knowing that you’ll look great at your funeral. Have you seen what a fat guy looks like in a casket? Not cute.
Married
So what if you’ve gained a little weight? So what if instead of twice-a-day showers you have a Mon/Wed/Fri “pits and parts only” routine that saves you some cash on the Dove Body Wash and Aussie Mega 2-in-1 Conditioning Shampoo. Vows are vows, which is why you can sue if it turns out that they were total bullshit. Which, as you’re beginning to see, could very well be the case. Richer or poorer? All your green goes to the kids. To have and to hold? You can barely get your arms around one another. For better or worse? What’s worse? That you forgot (again) to brush your teeth last night, or that neither of you care?
REAL ESTATE/HABITAT
PRO
Single
There is nothing quite so comforting as the knowledge that, whenever the going gets tough, you can get going… as far the fuck away from the place that’s causing you grief as you can get. Job is shitty? Move away and find a new one. Broke up with a boy/girlfriend and the neighborhood spots bring about too many painful memories? Move to a new neighborhood. Also, there’s very little reason to feel shame when you live alone. Stop washing your sheets, store high heels in the oven, save pornography right on the computer desktop. The world is your strange little oyster.
Married
It’s cheaper, and there’s always someone to hug you when you’re sad. And if you wait long enough, he/she will clean up the crusted dishes you left in the sink, wet towels you dropped in the corner and clot of toothpaste stuck in the drain, because if they’re there long enough, who even remembers whose they were? Right? Because you love each other? With all that extra money saved, treat yourselves to — wait, actually you should save for retirement, your kid’s college education or a down payment on… another apartment.
CON
Single
Couple things. First, what if you fall down? Shower floors? They’re slippery. Who’s going to call 911 when you’re lying, concussed and bleeding, on your filthy bathroom floor? No one, and you’re probably going to die. Second, you’re going to be bored. Sure, you can read and write and watch lots of films, but you’re probably going to start talking to the walls, which is totally weird. Either that, or you’re going to start drinking really, really heavily, sending emails you regret and passing out with the lights on in the space between your couch and coffee table. Not good.
Married
Although most people prefer sleeping with someone (like, actually sleeping), you get a better sleep if you’re alone. Especially if your spouse snores, steals the blankets or talks in their sleep about women whose names you aren’t familiar with. And there won’t ever be a morning when you don’t hear him hacking up something from his throat in the shower. And she hates your couch. And baby makes three.
LIFE GOALS & CREATIVE ASPIRATIONS
PRO
Single
Your muse is a wild thing and demands tribute, in the form of strong drink, sexual adventure and generally the kind of assholish Lost Generation-type “life experience”-seeking behavior with which no spouse would put up for long. To be less grand about the whole thing, though, interference takes many forms — from “your night to cook” stopping you midsentence (the real reason Coleridge never finished “Xanadu”) to “Honey, they offered me a transfer to Shanghai!” negating all your years of branch-office brown-nosing.
Married
Remember how in Breakfast at Tiffany’s George Peppard could afford to write all the time because Patricia Neal kept giving him checks for the occasional privilege of rubbing up against his genius? (And how Audrey Hepburn could do… whatever Audrey did while subsisting on money for the powder room and a cab?) Imagine marrying into the patronage system, and never worrying about where the next boost was coming from — it’d be like being a medieval court painter, without the risk of bubonic plague! And you’re also guaranteed at least one person at your reading/opening/concert.
CON
Single
What’s this “emotional support” thing about which we’ve heard so much? Is that like when you have someone around whom you can always trust to provide an honest opinion on your latest opus, and constant reassurance that your work is worthwhile? Because whenever we try a post-coital poetry reading, she threatens to charge extra.
Married
Romantic satiation, domestic comfort and a regular eating schedule has, historically, proven fertile ground for the ambitious creative mind. And once you’re married to someone, the two of you are sort of obligated to “plan for your future,” which means “take a 9-5 from outside your chosen field so as to put money into the joint 401(k) and a spouse on the medical plan.” And (this seems to keep coming up), if you choose to have kids/oops get pregnant and Roe v. Wade has been overturned by now, well, the average maternity leave lasts, on average, a dozen years. Ulysses here we come!
SOCIAL LIFE
PRO
Single
In 1975, the arbitrator Peter Seitz handed down “the Messersmith Decision,” ruling that, contrary to Major League Baseball’s interpretation of the “reserve clause,” Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Andy Messersmith was not beholden to his club following the completion of his contract but, rather, free to negotiate a contract for his services with any club in the Show. In other words: free agency, baby! Go where you want, when you want, on your own terms, and be the center of attention and object of desire. You’re your own Scott Boras, and every social contact is a pre-dribble-cup George Steinbrenner.
Married
Married people are easy to spot at shitty parties — they’re the only two smiling, over there in the corner, playing the Wonder Boys game. You know the Wonder Boys game, don’t you? Point at a person across the room, and take turns adding details to his tragic, absurd life story? Good times. Plus, you have multiple sets of friends (so overexposure doesn’t happen so fast), someone to go new places with and a deterrent to getting hit on by douchebags. Also, married people have more sex than single people — like Naomi Watts says in I Heart Huckabees, it’s quantity, not quality!
CON
Single
… and there you are, standing by the bar, nodding at the people freshening their drinks, and then averting your hungry gaze to the really fascinating watercolor hanging just above their heads, so everyone’s clear on the fact that you’re actually doing something, not just standing there. Alone. Like it’s a seventh grade dance and you’re too proud to call your mom to pick you up early so you can go home and sob silently while watching taped episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Hey, why not stop at the deli for some Häagen-Dazs on the way home, since it’s not like you could get more unloveable.
Married
Yeah, right, like married people ever go out. And if you feel lonely watching people pair up and drop off the face of the earth, imagine how they feel, in an endless orbit on their increasingly cramped satellite of love. That bar you like that hubby thinks is too snobby? Save the matchbook from your last visit.
Also: children. Pretty much the end of your life as you recognize it, unless having a small child pick your friends for you based on what video game system they bought for their little brat is, like, old news for you.
BREAKING UP
PRO
Single
Although there’s nothing good about breaking up (unless you’re in love with someone else and you’re dumping your boyfriend so you can be free and pursue your real true love at last, in which case, what fun! To love is to live!), if you’re single, it’s at least pretty easy. Besides breaking each other’s heart and possibly ruining at least one of your lives, getting disentangled requires nothing harder than deciding whether you’re going to throw out the photos or put them in a little box so you can look at them later and cry. And deciding who gets which bars. For help on choosing a locale for the breakup, turn to our handy guide on page eight.
Married
In a word: none. Unless you enjoy the thrill of figuring out which books belong to whom. In the best-case scenario — if you’re both totally in agreement about everything and it’s all just a big laugh — a divorce in New York can cost as little as $250, depending on which court you go through, how many fees you incur and what forms you need. Even wrangling an annulment — if, say, one of you can’t have sex, is whoops! under 18, has been insane for five years or was forced or tricked into the marriage — is as costly as a divorce, and often requires more proof. There’s also the worldly mystique of the divorcée, so that’s kind of a pro, sort of.
CON
Single
Hey that was a little TOO easy. I spent the past year ditching my friends and learning to tolerate seitan so we could actually EAT FOOD together at a PUBLIC RESTAURANT, and I spent DAYS coming up with new and convincing ways of complimenting your paintings of LAUGHING TODDLERS, and all I got was this stupid box of the underwear and umbrellas I left at your house, plus the DVD set of Planet Earth that I gave you AS A PRESENT but you gave back because you APPARENTLY AREN’T EVEN INTERESTED IN THE WORLD, you HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE?
Married
Where to begin!? (Oh and let’s say you don’t have kids — we’d need a few extra thousand words to describe the psychological effects of navigating joint custody and successfully getting your kids to hate their other parent.) Even the Lionel Hutzes of divorce law charge at least $175 per hour, with the Johnny Cochranes charging about $500 for each hour of their effort. And even if they spend only a few hours on your case, they commonly charge an initial retainer fee, which can reach $5,000. And that’s just the beginning! Also fun is attempting to start dating again after a sit-up-less decade of gravity has had its way with your midsection.
FINANCES
PRO
Single
You want an iPhone. And a Macbook Air. And maybe some new shoes or some really expensive rare records. You don’t have a dime to your name, and you haven’t picked up the phone in months for fear that it’s another collection agencey, but so what? You work (sorta) hard, and you fucking deserve that stuff. And anyway, you’ve got your credit card number memorized, so it’s not even like it’ll be a hassle. With no one around trying to keep you down, you are free to do with your money (or plastic) whatever your broke-ass heart desires. Plus, you don’t have to buy stupid presents for “that special someone” or go out and drop hundreds of dollars on romantic meals — ramen once a day for a month and you’ll be able to get those vintage golden sneakers!
Married
First, taxes. We won’t bore you with the confusing details, mostly because we don’t understand any of them (our husbands and wives take care of that stuff for us), but suffice to say, you pay less tax once you’re married. And we think you get more back in April, maybe? We don’t know why, and, frankly, we don’t care. Second, and this won’t apply to everyone, but, maybe you have a job in, say, publishing, and you get paid somewhere in the vicinity of, say, minimum wage. When you marry someone with an actual grown-up job, making an actual grown-up salary, it’s likely that you’ll share a bank account. And voila! Just like that, you no longer have to crumple up the ATM receipts before you’re able to see your remaining balance.
CON
Single
Again, you don’t pick up the phone if you don’t recognize the number, because you’re fairly certain Visa has hired someone to come break your knees. You decided you’re too old to have roommates, so you got an apartment by yourself, which you can’t afford without getting yourself into even more debt. This is no way to live, and the sad truth is that unless you’re making serious bank at your job, living in New York City as a single adult is just not an option for a lot of people. Miranda Hobbes pulled it off, but we’re not Miranda Hobbes, and you probably aren’t either, because she’s made-up. Doesn’t exist.
Married
Your spouse likes to bring lunch. You like to buy it. Your spouse doesn’t go to bars with co-workers very much. You do, a lot. Your spouse thinks coffee costs a dollar. You think it costs $4.71, twice a day. All these things, innocuous enough at first, add up, and it starts to make sense when you hear that money problems are the most common cause of divorce. No one likes sneaking around, nervously keeping track of how much they’ve spent, and on the flipside, no one likes having to reprimand their spouse for being an immature idiot. Either way, yuck.
APPEARANCE
PRO
Single
With very few other people in your life to consider and/or care about, you have plenty of “me” time to primp, preen and make yourself look more or less like the Banana Republic ad that’s been staring at you from your bedside table every long, lonely night. As the primary object of your own time and attention, you actually decide to try the repeat step of wash, rinse repeat, and you secretly attempt a juice fast. And guess what? Your hair is healthier and shinier than it’s ever been, and you’re saving a ton of cash by avoiding most solid foods. And you’re certain that people are noticing your sexy self. Somebody appreciates your pretty, pretty hair.
Married
You guys looked great on your wedding day. You were in that awesome suit. She was in the incredible dress. Sure, his eyes were mildly bloodshot and she had an amazing whitehead on her chin, but that’s why they make eye drops and make-up. And as the years went on, you were lucky you had one another around. She prevented you from dyeing your thinning hair, and you begged her not to buy those weird, diaper-looking control-top underwear. Sure you’ve both fantasized about younger, fitter folks, but damn it if it isn’t reassuring to settle into your side-by-side mattress craters each and every night.
CON
Single
our solipsistic skin-care regimen and obsessive wardrobe accumulation is not only hard on the bank account (see Finances), but you’re beginning to wonder if you’ll die alone in a pile of organic body butter jars and overpriced woolen accessories. Late at night, you picture the discovery of your professionally massaged and moisturized corpse and (though you look great) you wonder if your life wouldn’t have been more fulfilling had you pointed your love ray outward rather than inward. Still, you take comfort in knowing that you’ll look great at your funeral. Have you seen what a fat guy looks like in a casket? Not cute.
Married
So what if you’ve gained a little weight? So what if instead of twice-a-day showers you have a Mon/Wed/Fri “pits and parts only” routine that saves you some cash on the Dove Body Wash and Aussie Mega 2-in-1 Conditioning Shampoo. Vows are vows, which is why you can sue if it turns out that they were total bullshit. Which, as you’re beginning to see, could very well be the case. Richer or poorer? All your green goes to the kids. To have and to hold? You can barely get your arms around one another. For better or worse? What’s worse? That you forgot (again) to brush your teeth last night, or that neither of you care?
REAL ESTATE/HABITAT
PRO
Single
There is nothing quite so comforting as the knowledge that, whenever the going gets tough, you can get going… as far the fuck away from the place that’s causing you grief as you can get. Job is shitty? Move away and find a new one. Broke up with a boy/girlfriend and the neighborhood spots bring about too many painful memories? Move to a new neighborhood. Also, there’s very little reason to feel shame when you live alone. Stop washing your sheets, store high heels in the oven, save pornography right on the computer desktop. The world is your strange little oyster.
Married
It’s cheaper, and there’s always someone to hug you when you’re sad. And if you wait long enough, he/she will clean up the crusted dishes you left in the sink, wet towels you dropped in the corner and clot of toothpaste stuck in the drain, because if they’re there long enough, who even remembers whose they were? Right? Because you love each other? With all that extra money saved, treat yourselves to — wait, actually you should save for retirement, your kid’s college education or a down payment on… another apartment.
CON
Single
Couple things. First, what if you fall down? Shower floors? They’re slippery. Who’s going to call 911 when you’re lying, concussed and bleeding, on your filthy bathroom floor? No one, and you’re probably going to die. Second, you’re going to be bored. Sure, you can read and write and watch lots of films, but you’re probably going to start talking to the walls, which is totally weird. Either that, or you’re going to start drinking really, really heavily, sending emails you regret and passing out with the lights on in the space between your couch and coffee table. Not good.
Married
Although most people prefer sleeping with someone (like, actually sleeping), you get a better sleep if you’re alone. Especially if your spouse snores, steals the blankets or talks in their sleep about women whose names you aren’t familiar with. And there won’t ever be a morning when you don’t hear him hacking up something from his throat in the shower. And she hates your couch. And baby makes three.
LIFE GOALS & CREATIVE ASPIRATIONS
PRO
Single
Your muse is a wild thing and demands tribute, in the form of strong drink, sexual adventure and generally the kind of assholish Lost Generation-type “life experience”-seeking behavior with which no spouse would put up for long. To be less grand about the whole thing, though, interference takes many forms — from “your night to cook” stopping you midsentence (the real reason Coleridge never finished “Xanadu”) to “Honey, they offered me a transfer to Shanghai!” negating all your years of branch-office brown-nosing.
Married
Remember how in Breakfast at Tiffany’s George Peppard could afford to write all the time because Patricia Neal kept giving him checks for the occasional privilege of rubbing up against his genius? (And how Audrey Hepburn could do… whatever Audrey did while subsisting on money for the powder room and a cab?) Imagine marrying into the patronage system, and never worrying about where the next boost was coming from — it’d be like being a medieval court painter, without the risk of bubonic plague! And you’re also guaranteed at least one person at your reading/opening/concert.
CON
Single
What’s this “emotional support” thing about which we’ve heard so much? Is that like when you have someone around whom you can always trust to provide an honest opinion on your latest opus, and constant reassurance that your work is worthwhile? Because whenever we try a post-coital poetry reading, she threatens to charge extra.
Married
Romantic satiation, domestic comfort and a regular eating schedule has, historically, proven fertile ground for the ambitious creative mind. And once you’re married to someone, the two of you are sort of obligated to “plan for your future,” which means “take a 9-5 from outside your chosen field so as to put money into the joint 401(k) and a spouse on the medical plan.” And (this seems to keep coming up), if you choose to have kids/oops get pregnant and Roe v. Wade has been overturned by now, well, the average maternity leave lasts, on average, a dozen years. Ulysses here we come!
