Love Thy Neighbor’s Moans 

Dear Audrey,

My wife and I live in an apartment in Brooklyn. About a year ago, the guy next door started dating a screamer — sometimes a moaner, but mostly a screamer. One would think that this was a bad thing, yet when they started going at it, my wife would become crazy horny and their bedroom frequency would be my bedroom frequency. Last month our neighbors moved out, and I’ve gone from sex prince to sex pauper. I never thought that my wife was a closet “audible voyeur.” Other than getting my real estate license and screening the people who move in, how can I help get her freak back on (and mine too)?

Oh, New York real estate. Is there no facet of our lives that you don’t control, in the end? Barring a lucky move, it seems to me that you need to figure out why exactly your neighbors’ noise was getting her so excited. And the way to find this out is by asking her.

If it’s just the sex noises, well then that’s an easy fix. Turn on a porn in the next room and pretend. If it’s the voyeurism aspect, maybe you guys could explore together ways to play out that fetish. The internet is a well-known source of faux-voyeuristic videos, or you could try role playing, or just walking around the neighborhood and looking in the windows (note: this may not be technically legal).

It’s possible, though, that it wasn’t the noises themselves or an actual desire to spy, but rather just the knowledge that somewhere nearby sex was being had and enjoyed, and wanting to connect to and be a part of that.
As for how to replicate that, I’m not sure, outside of keeping your windows and ears open. But I mean, seriously, we live in New York. All around us, all the time and everywhere, people are fucking each other. Thinking about that is either heartwarmingly sexy or creepy, depending on your bent.

In any case, talk to your wife. Find out what she liked about your loud neighbors and replicate it, either through porn or role play or just imagineering.

Dear Audrey,

I’m 22, a virgin in New York, and terrified at the idea of having sex. It’s more of an intimacy issue, I think, but my skin keeps me from even attempting to get involved with anyone. The psoriasis isn’t noticeable on my face, but it does flare everywhere underneath my clothes and this prevents me from taking them off in front of anyone. So, the idea of having to do that with a girl really scares me. What can I do, because I’ve heard this intimacy thing is pretty nice?

Well, let’s talk about intimacy. There is a physical component, yeah, but most of “intimacy” is emotional. If you were emotionally intimate with someone, don’t you think you’d have mentioned that you have psoriasis? And that they’d be cool with that?

What I’m saying is that given your shyness, you’re probably not going to fuck some stranger for the first time. It will probably be a person you care about, who cares about you. People who care about each other — and who know what to expect — are not grossed out by skin problems.

Listen, plenty of dudes in this world have psoriasis, probably worse than you, and they still get laid. People have all kinds of shit going under their clothes that they are convinced will scare people off. I get why you’re worried. But I would say to quit focusing on your skin and quit worrying about being a virgin and just get to know some ladies.

Find someone you like, take it slow, and just relax. Your skin doesn’t define you. It’s not the big deal you worry that it is, I promise.


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