Love Thyself 

Dear Audrey,

I was comparing notes with my buddies on our masturbation records. It came out that I seem to masturbate way more than anyone in my group of friends. What is a "normal" masturbation schedule? At what point does it become a problem?

Normal = M, W, F, 9:00-9:15. Sat, Sun, 11:45-12:05. Tue, Thu, whenever you shower. Any deviation from this universally agreed-upon schedule indicates a mental sickness of some kind.

It's probably not a great idea to compare jerkoffs with your friends. Though of course there's an average amount, there's not necessarily a "normal" amount, and I feel like everyone comes out of that conversation feeling weird. The dude who beats it least feels like his sex drive is too low, the dude who beats it most worries he is some kind of abnormal sex-fiend porn addict. Different people have different sex drives, enjoy rubbing one out to different degrees, and have different amounts of non-masturbatory opportunities to drain their nuts.

I'm sure that you're fine. To my mind, the amount of times per week you jerk off is too high only if you're physically hurting yourself, or if masturbating keeps you from doing other things you want to do, or if it's messing up a relationship with an actual other human being.

If you're really worried about it, maybe think about why you beat it as much as you do. Are you bored? Not having sex often enough? Habit since the sixth grade? That's just how horny you are? I'm seriously not suggesting that you should be concerned, but if it's bugging you, explore why you masturbate so much. If you realize that you're doing it for some reason other than the love of stroking it, then go ahead with making whatever adjustments in your life you want to make.

But if you're happy, then be happy. Light some candles, draw yourself a warm bath, pour a glass of wine, and treat your dick to an extra happy ending tonight. You deserve it, Jerkoff King.

Dear Audrey,

I have a great relationship with my current boyfriend, but I have concern about the longevity of our relationship. My main concern is that I am the first girl he's slept with (he considered himself gay until we became intimate). Is it possible for him to do a 180 like that?

Totally possible. I know a (het) couple who have been together for years where both partners identified as gay before they met. I also know LOTS of (het and gay) couples who've only fucked the same gender their whole lives and still broken up.

There are plenty of people out there who "don't believe" in true bisexuality, and those people can fuck right off, but more than that even, attraction is strange. You just never know who is going to do it for you, whether it's someone of an unexpected gender, body type, age, or whatever.

You and your boyfriend have, as you say, a great relationship. Clearly he enjoys having sex with you. There's a kazillion reasons why relationships don't work — you may break up for a completely unrelated reason! Just enjoy being with someone you really like, and don't obsess.

And let me just say that I know things can be weird with friends and stuff, and that might make your relationship extra hard. People get freaked out when someone they know suddenly does something unexpected, and I do know some people can feel betrayed by this. It sucks and is totally unfair, but it'll pass. Those people are being dicks.

Congratulations on finding a partner who you enjoy being with, and whether you guys are togetha foreva or just have a great little while together, I'm glad you kids are making yourselves happy. •

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