Medical Etiquette 


Illustration Mike Force

Dear Audrey,
Because of an accident when I was younger, I now only have one ball. Everything works normally down there, though. How/when do I tell a partner about it? Or should I tell them at all?

I think you should incorporate it into your sexual patter. Like after you come on someone you can be like “BOOM! Look who just got one-balled!” Or make them play “Guess what Hitler and I have in common?” unless you’re a failed art student or a vegetarian or an anti-Semitic megalomaniac, because maybe then it would get confusing. For real, though, what happens in your nutsack stays in your nutsack. You should not feel obligated to tell anyone about your lonely nut if you don’t want to. Though if they’re doing things right, they’ll probably notice, no? I think it sounds kind of cute. You should let your partner name it, so that it feels less alone in the world.

Dear Audrey,
A few years ago, after a lifetime of hating my flat chest, I got what I think is a quite tasteful boob job. Most people don’t realize they’re not the boobs I was born with. Am I under obligation to tell a partner they’re augmented? I never thought so, but then recently a male friend said he’d feel lied to if he found out down the road that his girlfriend had fake boobs and didn’t tell him.

Eh, fuck that guy. You paid good money for those tits, you can do with them as you please. I suspect that experienced breast connoisseurs will be able to feel the difference, though I don’t know, some of the new ones are pretty realistically squishy.

To my mind, fake boob disclosure comes around the same time in a relationship as talking about exes or childhood trauma or credit card debt: where things are starting to get serious and you think it would be weird for your partner to not know that about you. But whatever, it’s your chest! Take that shit to the grave with you, if you want. A gentlemen never asks a lady what her tits are made out of.

Dear Audrey,
I am a cancer survivor. As part of my treatment I had a complete hysterectomy a few years ago. I don’t have any sex-related side effects (except that I can’t get pregnant, woohoo!) and I don’t think anything feels weird in terms of what a guy feels in there. I do have some visible scars. I’m not ashamed of it, but the whole cancer thing is kind of personal and a downer to talk about when I’m just looking for a hookup. Is it weird to lie about what the scarring is from? Is there any reason a casual partner needs to know about it?

Nope and nope. It’s totally up to you what you want to tell people about your medical history and your inside parts. The rule of thumb is that if it doesn’t affect them, it’s none of their damn business. I think asking about scars is something people do because they think it’ll lead to a fun/funny story, like “oh, pro tip, never try and fight a rhino when you’re drunk, ha ha” or something, when really the odds are good that scar stories are not going to be happy ones.

I think you are doing random clueless guy a favor by not being like CANCER, YOU ASSHOLE, NOW LET’S GET BUSY.


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