My Ex-Girlfriend is a Porn Star 

Dear Audrey,
My boyfriend accused me of withholding sex to get my way and said that's not a fair way to argue, but I just don't feel like having sex with someone that I'm mad at. How do I get him to see that I'm not trying to be manipulative?

Have you considered dating someone who is not in high school? To be fair, I am not there and don't see your arguments. Only then could I say for sure that your boyfriend needs to grow up. Who knows? Maybe you do dangle the threat of celibacy in front of him as a bargaining chip. Don't do that. But if you don't, and you are sure of this, tell him I said he was being a doofus.

Sure, some people enjoy the hate-fuck, but I think it's accepted that the silent treatment includes a sex moratorium. How long are the arguments you're having? Either you fight a lot or you fuck a whole lot when you're not fighting.

Dear Audrey,
Recently, I've gotten in touch with an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. Turns out she's now a sort of amateur internet porn star. She sent me a link to her site and a password for all the stuff, and I have to say it's pretty hot. She knows I'm married, and my wife has no problem with me looking at porn, but I'm still not sure if this is ok. I don't think my ex is hitting on me (I have always been a big consumer of porn) but still, it is pictures of my ex-girlfriend doing dirty things. Should I feel guilty? Should I tell her?

So here's the deal with marriage, or, with any relationship: you and the person/people you are in it with get to make up the rules. You make them up! However you want! And then you stick to them.

There are people in committed relationships who regularly attend gang bangs and people who would get dumped for owning a copy of Playboy. Everybody's thing is different, and that is why we should all have conversations with our partners about our expectations in terms of monogamy before we are faced with impossible-to-parse situations. Not that this case is necessarily something one would see coming (SEX PUN!).

Given that, have you violated the tenets of your marriage? One surefire way to find out would be to ask your wife. "Baby, how do you feel about me beating off to a video of my ex-girlfriend getting triple-teamed? Good? Great!" Or no?

On one hand, when I am hesitant to admit something it's often because I know deep down that what I have done is not completely above-the-board. On the other hand, in a "standard rules" vanilla monogamous marriage, it is not cheating to get a harmless crush on a co-worker, say, but it is still not necessarily something you would disclose to your partner, for fear of hurt feelings. So there are hypothetical examples and counter-examples.

Perhaps a good way to gauge things is to imagine your wife masturbating to a video of one of her exes and not telling you about it. How does that make you feel? In the end only you and your lady can determine whether ex-girlfriend porn viewing falls within the accepted boundaries of your commitment to each other. I will say, just as a data point, that I personally would be hurt by the secrecy but not the idea of the porn itself, but then again I am extremely nosy and enjoy seeing people nail each other. Luckily for us both, we are not (as far as I know!) married to one another, so you know, your mileage may vary.

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