My Top-Five Wartime Sex Toys
by L.B. WilkensonMy conscience started yammering at me after I read that NY Times article about Stephen Colbert in Baghdad. Yes, I think this war is Orwellian and a Bush boner and even if I believed that it needed to be fought, I’d still never risk my life in combat for any of you jerks. But two days ago, I found out that a childhood friend’s younger brother, who is only 21, and kind of a Baberaham Lincoln (I know that's not really part of this, but I can't help it) is a Marine Sergeant responsible for the lives of young soldiers risking their lives for this jerk.
This week, I spent about 100 cumulative hours thinking about the new iPhone, and about 20 minutes thinking about the war. I deserve to feel guilty for that.
Of course, for a fleeting moment (even though I remember him only vaguely as a seven-year-old ginger bouncing on a trampoline) I considered sending porn. DVDs are mentioned on his list of requested supplies and I figured I could get my sex store to donate a few. But the USPS, the U.S. military and Afghan customs (that triumvirate of boner breakerz) are very explicit in stating that any porn* sent will be confiscated.
If you want to send a soldier a care package, you totes should. Although the APO address for the soldier I sent a package to is online, I don’t think I should repost his information here. Since 9/11, the government has gotten real touchy about strangers sending packages to soldiers — it’s technically illegal.
But if you don’t know anyone in the military, here is a master list of websites that offer “Adopt a Soldier” services. Or, if you really want to play it safe you can go to the USO website here and donate $25 to their Operation Care Package program.
Ok, so without further ado, here is my definitive list of wartime sex toys. Enjoy!
5. This is the grenade-shaped masturbation sleeve that we carry and it’s actually supposed to be pretty good.
4. We sell snake bite kits. According to the comments on Amazon, although these are marketed and designed for soldiers/campers if you use them to try and extract snake venom, they’ll actually do you more harm then good. But whatever, we just sell them to people who like to put them on their nipples.
3. According to the manufacturers of Gun Oil Silicone Lubricant, during Desert Storm a lot of soldiers found that jerking off with military gun oil felt awesome. So later, a few of them got together to tweak the recipe for military gun oil into a line of personal lubrication products. I don’t know, to me this story sounds like some bullshit concocted just so dudes can feel really butch when they jerk off (apparently this is important—see number 5). Tip for Civilians: I’ve been told that silicone lube makes an excellent jewelry cleaner. But, I’ve never tried it so don’t blame me if you melt your engagement ring. 2. I’m not sure why a soldier would have Anal-ese hanging around instead of some other military-grade, topical numbing agent. But yesterday at work, my co-worker Kasey had a bad toothache and he used this stuff instead of running to the store for Orajel. P.S. It’s cherry flavored and it worked like a charm.
1. Apparently, Navy SEALS use non-lubricated condoms to waterproof, “non-electric firing assemblies for underwater demolitions.” Whatever that means. Tip for Civilians: Here’s an article from a photographer who double-bagged his camera in condoms in order to shoot pictures underwater.
*Dudes, Maxim counts as porn
Comments (2)
Showing 1-2 of 2
