Nice Guys Do Finish Last 


Illustration Mike Force

Dear Audrey,
I know this is such a cliché, but I’m seeing two guys. One I have great sexual chemistry with but is emotionally unavailable and kind of a mess. The other is wonderful, sweet, funny, cute, but the sex is just eh. I want to want the nice guy! How do I make myself more attracted to him? I’ve had great chemistry with nice guys before, but if I’m completely honest, the hottest sex has always been with otherwise not-great guys.

Oh man. The dudes with the “nice guys finish last” bugs up their asses are probably jumping up and down right now, screaming “SEEEEEE???? SEEEEE????” Settle down, fictional guys.

To answer your question, I’m afraid I have bad news: it may not really be possible to make yourself get excited for the nice guy. Attraction is a strange thing. It’s not really in our control a lot of the time. Sucks, but is the truth.

You can certainly try and intellectualize your way into wanting to fuck him, but I doubt it’ll do much more than make you feel sad and eventually resent him. If the problem is that he’s just bad at sex, then that’s easier to fix, but it sounds to me that the problem is just that your chemistry isn’t right. It happens! I think you’re looking at a pretty miserable relationship if you try to force it.

But it seems to me that it’s important not to look at this situation and draw the conclusion that you’ll never be as attracted to nice guys as you are to not-nice guys. I mean, maybe you, specifically, have some kind of self-destructive sex thing. Which, sure, being “dangerous” is sort of sexy. I would also ask you to consider, though, that if you met some guy that was assy and aloof that you didn’t feel a spark with, you would never consider dating that guy. It’s not that you are attracted to all assholes, just that you’re attracted to some assholes. But if you meet someone nice and awesome you don’t feel a spark with, you still think oh, I should date that guy, because he is so smart and nice and will treat me well, maybe I can make it work. But that’s wrong. The same way you’re not attracted to all assholes, you’re also not attracted to all nice guys. This makes sense!

If you assume you feel a fairly even distribution of attraction among men, it stands to reason that you’ll find yourself attracted to a lot of people that aren’t great partner material, but also some that are. So if you’re looking for a partner, don’t settle for the chemistry-less sweetheart. Wait for the sweetheart you find hot. That has the double advantage of you being sexually fulfilled in your relationship and not tying up some nice guy who might be the one that some other nice lady has great sexual chemistry with. If that makes sense.

I will also say that if you are going into a sexual encounter knowing you have no interest in dating the person you’re fucking, you might feel less inhibited, more willing to be selfish. To demand what you really want in sex, even if it’s “weird” or “embarrassing.” That makes the sex much hotter, obviously. Caring about the person you’re having sex with makes it better, in some ways, but also worse in some ways. More self-conscious, maybe, or more worried about their pleasure and perception of you. It doesn’t have to work this way, but often it does.

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