Nice Guys Just Want to Get Laid
by Audrey FerenceWhat's up, nerds? Recently I got a very long email about "Nice Guys" from a young lady. Here are some excerpts:
"I recently read a rant entitled, 'Ode to Nice Guys.' In it, the writer, clearly very frustrated by his lack of success with women, details various situations that have baffled him. These included escorting drunk women home without 'taking advantage,' accompanying women out when they felt lonely ('Because you're nice like that'), and returning phone calls to women when they were upset... all, mind you, without getting laid.
"Here's a concept, 'nice guy': these are the duties of a friend. Yes, believe it or not, we expect the same of our female friends. We expect support, comfort, company, sympathy. And we would do the same for you. Because, I guess, we're nice like that.
"What is not 'nice' is the idea that all the close male friends I've had have been secretly wanting to fuck me, and that that's the motivation behind their loyalty. Which, really, makes me more inclined to label you as the asshole than the guys who didn't return my calls.
"I've tried dating a 'nice guy.' Because yes, I was sick of all the 'assholes'... And when I said I didn't want to fuck him, he said fine. He said he only wanted to sleep next to me. And then proceeded, the whole night, to try and get into my pants every five minutes."
Those of you who read things in the femilady blogosphere or whatever will no doubt be familiar with the "Nice Guy" of which our frustrated reader speaks. In case you missed it, here's the thing: nobody is owed sex or love or a relationship. However "nice" you are, the universe doesn't owe you a girlfriend (and yes, it is usually het men who do this.) True fact: most of the genuinely nice guys of the world do not spend much time thinking/talking about how nice they are.
Because I am a benevolent deity, I am here to provide you with some dos and don'ts for getting yourself laid. You're welcome to ignore me and continue moaning about how nice guys don't get any pussy unless they learn The Game, but anyone negging or peacocking is going to have go sit at Neal Strauss's lunch table instead of ours.
DO NOT:
• Be passive-aggressive about asking someone out, especially the kind where you follow them around all the time, then when they try to get rid of you, call them conceited for assuming you were interested.
• Pretend to be friends with someone with the sole interest of getting in their pants
• Think you deserve a cookie for not being a rapist
• Turn nasty when someone rejects you
• Insist on paying for expensive shit, then get bitchy when someone doesn't want to fuck you
• Subtly angle for a pity fuck all the time
• Hope that you can wear someone down enough that they will finally love/fuck you
• Assume that if you do everything "right" that person you like HAS to like you back, it's only fair
DO:
• Be direct about what you want
• Listen to what people are telling you
• Take a hint
• Be actually interested in people as human beings
• Assume a person you are interested in is capable of being truthful about their desires
• Take rejection gracefully
• Enjoy sex and life
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