Omigod, That?s My Aunt! 

Dear Audrey,
I enjoy watching older, “classic” porn because I like the more natural look of the performers and also the higher production values. My boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says it’s too weird to watch people he knows are dead now, or really old. He feels the same way about old country music (though, interestingly, not about rock). Do I have to respect his phobias?

Well you know, in the sex-positive sensitivity training they make us sex columnists all go to, we learned that it’s correct to say, “Yes, your partner’s concerns are legitimate and you should respect them, as you would want him to respect whatever irrational aversions you have.”

But honestly, my gut answer? That seems like something he should get the fuck over. I know, everyone get mad at me. But look: it would be one thing if his concerns were like, “I read that Linda Lovelace was forced into porn by her then-husband and director of Deep Throat, and that he did lots of terrible things to her, and therefore I feel it is immoral to get a boner from watching Deep Throat.” Fine, that’s legit. Or if he were uncomfortable with pornography altogether, for whatever reason. I mean, I like porn, but if you’re dating Andrea Dworkin, you can’t get mad when she won’t do you in front of My Big Fat Greek Gangbang or whatever.

“I don’t like thinking about how people who seem young and vital in the movie are now old or dead” seems like a dumb reason to me to not want to watch some awesome 1970s porn. The bush alone, I mean, c’mon. You’re going to grow old and die whether or not you watch Debbie Does Dallas.

On the other hand, though, I guess you can’t make your dick get hard if it’s limp from contemplating the inevitable heat death of the universe. So there’s your answer: I personally think that’s a silly reason to deprive oneself of classic porn, but you can’t strap someone down and make them get a chubby from The Devil in Miss Jones, so maybe your porn habit will have to be for your special alone-time fun.

Dear Audrey,
I’ve got a small dick. After years of fretting, I’ve finally come to terms with it, and I think that I’ve got enough other things to offer that it’s not a problem, satisfaction-wise, for my partners. But I do dread that moment when I’m with someone new and our clothes first come off and there’s this palpable disappointment/discomfort when my dick comes out. I feel like I should warn them ahead of time or something. Would that be too weird?

Hmm. First of all, congratulations on accepting what you cannot change instead of conquering Europe or buying a stupid car. Seriously, that speaks of great maturity and wisdom on your part. But yeah, it’s funny, I know exactly the moment you mean. I think it’s a combination of embarrassment on your behalf, and concern on her part about whether or not you know that your dick is small. You know what I mean?

Such a big deal is made in our culture about dick size (somewhat unnecessarily in my opinion, since many donkey dick dudes have no finesse at all) that it’s hard not to worry about insulting someone when you see their dick and it’s small.

Anyway, I don’t know if you really need to say anything. If you feel truly uncomfortable, maybe make a joke to break the ice, but I think zen-like calm and confidence, coupled with zen-like skills that result in mind-blowing orgasms, are really all you need. Plus, many people prefer small dick men for anal, so there you go. A little bonus. As it were. Hee hee. Sorry. 


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