Only Jerks Jerk All Day Long
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I'm a sex-positive feminist who understands that masturbation is healthy and natural, and that just because one is in a committed relationship, it doesn't have to stop. However, my boyfriend masturbates a lot. I don't mind watching, since it can be pretty hot and his cock belongs in the Met, but it bothers me when he starts going at it at inappropriate times. For example, I'll be applying for jobs or standing at the sink doing dishes, and he'll start staring at me and jerking off. I get it, he thinks I look hot all the time. I wouldn't be so annoyed when I'm interrupted if it were with something sweet like nibbling my neck, but staring and jerking can be creepy, and sometimes I just want to finish my goddamn work so that my to-do list can be off my mind.
I also can't get a boner in five seconds like he can—I guess the female body is different, but it takes a lot of time for me to jump between work mode and fuck mode. How can I want to jump his bones when I'm in the middle of doing something painfully un-sexy, and when I resent him for the interruption? I really just can't get wet when the bills haven't been paid and the landlord keeps calling. He could be using that time to apply for jobs himself. It takes him from being my handsome lover to an obnoxious distraction.
Is he getting laid on a regular basis? Yes, I give him amazing sex two or three times a day, and he swears it's the best he's ever had. Maybe it's a common issue for the mutually unemployed, stuck at home because we can't afford to go anywhere. Mostly, I'm just fuming right now because I'm out of commission with a yeast infection, and he still can't stop jerking it in front of me. At this point, since I can't touch myself even if I want to, thanks to the pain, it's like eating a filet mignon in front of a homeless man. What do I do?
Two or three times A DAY?! And he's still jerking it all the time? My goodness, that is a guy who likes to have boners. You do know it's illegal to date 14-year-olds, right?
I think it's important to acknowledge there's a difference between “I think masturbation is dirty and shameful” and “quit waving your dick in my face all the time I'm trying to fucking do something here.” Part of being a sex-positive feminist is setting the boundaries you need to be happy.
When I can't decide whether I'm down on something because of programming by THE MAN or if it's just rude, I take the sex out of the equation. Like for example, if your guy wandered into the room where you were working, playing Game Boy* with the sound on, that would be annoying. And if he was playing loud video games while staring pointedly at you, expecting you to drop everything and play two player, that would be rude as all hell. So feel free to tell him to knock it off. Being stuck at home broke and out of work sucks, but that means you guys need to communicate and respect each other's space more, not less. As for the yeast infection: my sympathy. Ugh, worst!
*Are Game Boys still a thing? What are those kids on the subway playing?
For questions and comments, the natural
redhead can be reached at sex@thelmagazine.com
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