Our Little Secret 

Dear Audrey,
A couple weekends ago, I had sex with my mom’s close friend. I am a lady and so is she. She’s married but sort of out — she’s had affairs with women that people who know her know about. I was drunk at the time, and I enjoyed it, whatever, but I’d pretty much prefer it if my mom didn’t find out. It would just make things weird in their circle, especially since my brother knows this woman’s son. Anyway, I do get myself into situations like this on occasion, and I wondered if you had any general advice about how to tell someone not to tell anyone that you fucked them without being a dick about it?


I’m guessing this lady has more motivation not to say anything about you guys doing it than you do, given that she’s married and fucked her friend’s daughter, but I do know what you mean. It can definitely be a bit of cold gravy to roll out of bed and be like, “It would ruin my reputation if people knew I’d had sex with you.”

It’s sort of a case-by-case thing, I think. If the issue is that one of you is cheating on someone or one of you is a minor or a boss or commanding officer or something, then the desire to keep things quiet is probably mutual, or at least understandable. A quick, “We probably shouldn’t tell anyone about this,” would likely work.

If the problem is that your hookup would lead to hurt feelings, then I think you should explain the situation. Like, “so-and-so had a crush on you but I boned you anyway,” or “you are my friend’s ex and that would be awkward,” or “my mom might be mad that I accidentally got drunk and bagged her friend.” A nice person will see the potential for social strife and keep it quiet, and a person who likes to make a scene would’ve told everyone no matter what you said.

The last and stickiest wicket is the “I am of higher social standing than you and am embarrassed that we had sex” thing. Popular kids who fuck nerds. Rich jerks who fuck the help. Hot people who fuck ugly people. Etc. And to these people, I say go fuck yourselves. I shan’t help you. If you think that you are too good for someone, then keep your dick outta their snatch (or whatever body parts apply).

Dear Audrey,
At my college, most random hookups involved being really drunk. Now that I’m out of school and have a job, it’s not like I can go get trashed all the time — also, I worry that I’m more likely to make unsafe decisions when bombed, now that I’m not on campus around people I know. I’m young and free and want to fuck a bunch of people, but unless I’m drunk I feel shy about being as sexually forward as I’d like. Help!


Perhaps you could take up drugs! Yuk-yuk. Good one, me. Aaanyway, yeah, you know, that shit is difficult. Definitely kind of awkward at first. Mostly it just takes practice, I think. Context makes a difference. Like, if you’re on a date, then it’s easy to invite the person over at the end of the night.

But if you’re picking people up at a bar, there’s usually drunkenness involved. Something to think about is that lots of people who are sort of prudish only fuck strangers when they are drunk on purpose, because then it’s not that they fuck strangers, it’s that they were just drunk. You know?

I would say that practice will give you confidence and make you feel more comfortable — go on lots of dates if that’s easier for you. Don’t worry if you feel awkward at first. Just power through it and eventually you’ll figure things out. Good luck getting laid.

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