I am in another country, away from my boyfriend for a year. We’ve been trying to figure out sex—neither of us wants to see other people—and it hasn’t been going well. Skype sex and phone sex and IM sex feel weird to me. I spend all my time worrying someone can overhear me. Having an orgasm is hard for me anyway, sometimes, and this just makes things impossible. How can I get better at internet/phone sex?
Remember that book Vox? By Nicholson Baker? It was the one that Monica Lewinksy gave to Bill Clinton? Anyway, it’s all about phone sex, and I love Baker but all I could think while reading it was like, man, phone sex seems soooooo awkward. So I feel you. But yes, for a whole year, you’ve got to make something work, right? So ok. Here are some suggestions:
Get messed up. Tipsy, high, whatever your preferred state of alteration is. Lower those inhibitions! Pretty much anything sexual is easier to get into when you are not sober. Maybe try it a few times and see what works, so that it can start to feel more natural after a while.
Watch a movie together. It doesn’t have to be a situation where you are talking each other through what you’re each doing. Virtual sex (let’s call it) can be anything you want. You could put the same porn movie on at the same time and just watch it together, and at some point, masturbate. Boom, you just had virtual sex.
Create a persona.Maybe it would be easier if you did some role playing along with the virtual sex. Like, it’s hard for you, the person you are with your parents and co-workers, to talk dirty to your boyfriend. But it’s not hard for Titsy Carrington, the lonely housewife who picked up the wrong party line (OR WHATEVER I’M NOT AN EROTIC NOVELIST).
Become an erotic novelist. Or at least short story writer. You can find other ways to communicate sexually with each other. Maybe if you feel stupid talking sexy, you could write little sex fantasy stories and send them to one another. You could read them aloud over the phone, so it doesn’t have to be spontaneous. Or even just find a story you think is sexy and read it to him. That eliminates the need for a response, which is kind of one of the most potentially awkward moments.
Use still photos. If you hate the way things look over video chat, take some nice stills and send them. Then you can each beat off to each other.
Talk about your fantasies. Rather than being like “I’m taking off your pants now” and pretending you’re having IRL sex, which can feel silly, explain something you’d potentially like to do IRL. You can both be doing whatever while you talk. The bonus on this is that when you are back together, you’ve got a lot of exciting new stuff to try.
Accept that you’re going to be masturbating a lot. In the ideal world, you’d be having as much virtual sex as you would if you were together. But it’s a lot harder to schedule that stuff, so it may not work out that way. That’s ok! Enjoy having sex with yourself for a while, with nobody else to worry about pleasing. It could be nice! And at least it’s temporary.