Pick Me! 

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Dear Audrey,
How do I pick up chicks? I am 38 and a virgin. No job. I hit on girls everywhere, the subway, the park, the beach, and I always strike out. My pickup is, "Hi, my name is Robert, I really like you a lot and I would like to get to know you better,"
or "Can I go on a date with you?" What should I do?

Okay Robert, I kind of feel like you're messing with me, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt and answer your question earnestly. There are a lot of red flags here, bro. "I hit on girls everywhere" is not a good strategy. A LOT of women really, really don't like being approached by strangers in public. And before you dudes out there start sending me those whiny letters about "our modern age, nobody connects face-to-face any more, why can't women be more open to the joy of possibility," think for one second about what it's like to be female in public. Women—average women, of all ages, yes, ask your female friends, they will tell you—spend a lot of time and energy putting up with unasked-for male attention between the "hey, you'd be prettier if you smiled" guys and the dudes who yell shit and the over-exaggerated check-outs and the exchanges that go like:

STRANGER: Hey, beautiful, how bout a date?
YOU: No thanks.
STRANGER: Then fuck you, you stupid cunt.

And that doesn't even include the actually threatening guys, or the subway touchers, or all of the tiny ways that certain men go out of their way to illustrate to the women around them that they are fully capable of hurting them if they want to. Which is all to say that, Robert, even if you are sweet as pie and respectful as the day is long, most women walking around out in public are just not receptive to being hit on, because we are in "fending off creeps" mode.

If you want to get dates, you should try to find them in places where women are actively seeking to get to know men. The internet is your friend: OKCupid or Match.com or wherever are full of women who are expressing their interest in going out on a date with someone, so why don't you start there?

You don't include any information about yourself, really, or what you're looking for in a lady, but I think generally if you're respectful and cool and kind and play up your strengths, you'll find at least a few people on the internet willing to give you a shot. You might also consider what it is you have to offer someone. What makes you an interesting dude that a lady would want to date/sleep with? What interests do you have that someone else might share? Maybe look for women with whom you have something in common and message them. Oh and don't be that guy who is like I'm 38 and chubby and bald but I will only date 22-year-old models.

As far as the job thing goes, I certainly understand that it's rough out there right now, and in no way am I saying that you have to have cash to find love, but at some point dating a person will probably involve, like, going to the movies and eating dinner at a restaurant, so some amount of cash might be necessary. Good luck, buddy.

For questions and comments, the natural redhead can be reached at sex@thelmagazine.com

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