100 Frost Street, Brooklyn, 718.389.2982
Alcohol is the only thing we'd still be sure of in a post-zombiepocalypse society. Head over to Brooklyn Kitchen for your own brew kit as well as the know-how to make it work. And when the Arizona Police-State-model is adopted by the chimpanzee government in Albany, you can watch the trouble unfold safely from your bed, drunk. May 26, 6:30pm, $125
Even when it's safe to walk the streets again, as long as you're carrying your papers, it won't be a good idea—you have a beard, dude. You'll need to horde the kind of food that keeps forever. Pickles are sort of like that, as well as sort of nutritious, easy to make and delicious. This class will be taught by Bob McClure of McClure's Pickles (like if Original Ray taught pizzamaking). May 24, 6:30pm, $40
To butcher a pig, you must first smuggle it into your bathtub (there has to be a drain, for your vomit). If you can get that far, this class will take it from there. Hosted by the fine
murderers people of the Meat Hook, this class will not be hands-on (thank, um, god?), but there will be time for questions. Like, why are you butchering pigs?
May 18, 6:30pm, $80
If not zombies, what will you eat when the zombiepocalypse arrives? This class on Rooftop Gardening will teach you to produce non-mutated food to keep you alive so you can keep tormenting yourself with thoughts of suicide. Just imagine if those attractive young people in that zombie movie had just stayed on the mall roof and made a self-sustaining garden? They'd still be there, craving protein. May 27, 6:30pm, $30
SEAFARERS & INTERNATIONAL HOUSE
123 East 15th Street, 212.677.4800
Though our apiphobia is so severe we won't join the Freelancers Union, beekeeping is a (perfectly legal) skill integral to any city-dweller's DIY repertoire. The NYC Bee Keepers Association meets every Tuesday (and hosts more intensive classes sporadically throughout the year) to discuss how they chose bees over their wives. Bees can also be trained to sting zombies and the Phoenix police. Tuesdays, 7-9pm
BROOKLYN BOTANIC GARDEN
900 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn, 718.623.7200
If your landlord is wise to the pagan orgies you've been hosting on your roof and locked you out of your rooftop garden... well, you can still grow herbs. Can man live on oregano alone? The BBG class on growing herbs in window boxes will teach you which grow better in what containers, which need more sunlight, and which can be sold profitably to dumb teens. June 5, 10:30am, $47
Whether you are gardening on your roof or under it, you'll need viable and nutrient-rich soil to combat the growing conditions of a post-zombiepocalyse police state. BBG's class on vermicomposting using the ten-hearted common worm is also essential for disposing of the zombies you've killed since this thing started. June 2, 6pm, $5 fee
One of the fastest growing cottage industries in Brooklyn is chicken farming. It's totally legal, and allows you to cut eggs out of your budget! Of course, you'll have to add barbed wire to protect them from fox zombies into that same budget. Consult the City Chicken Guide from Just Food, which pioneered the movement and are really lovely people to talk to.