Prepared for Anything, Even Feet
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
What is normal to carry around with you, sex-wise? Like, a lot of people have condoms in their purse or wallet, but when I told my friend the other day that I have lube and wipes in my purse she thought it was weird. What do you think?
You get the merit badge for sexual preparedness. It seems to me your portable sex supplies should reflect your sex-on-the-go needs, weirdness be damned. Would I find it odd if someone I was hooking up with pulled a tube of lube and a vibrator out of some kind of Mary Poppins sex bag? Almost definitely. But I’m pretty sure I would appreciate it in the end.
If you’re a person who has regular on-the-fly sex, then yeah, carry around whatever shit you think you might need. Why not? There’s a reason the pros do it, right? What the hell! I guess I would draw the line at things that are cumbersome to carry. However much you enjoy shibari, I think carrying around 40 feet of rope just in case is a silly idea.
Dear Audrey,I heard someone the other day say something about how a girl he knew was such a freak she’d even let somebody fuck her feet. I don’t… get it. What? Am I missing something? Should I be doing this? Am I just an idiot?
Idiot! You never noticed that sexy fuck hole on the bottom of a woman’s foot? IT IS ONE OF OUR MOST IMPORTANT EROGENOUS ZONES.
I think maybe you overheard somebody exaggerating something. Like how when you are trying to be funny, you use hyperbole? But sure, plenty of people are into foot fucking. If you have a foot fetish, then you know, just rubbing your dick around on someone’s foot is erotic. Or sucking their toes or massaging their feet or whatever. I suppose if she wanted to, a woman could put her two feet together, sole to sole, and have a guy fuck the resulting hole between her arches? I have no idea why you would want to do that, necessarily, but you know, it’s possible.
Dear Audrey,
I used this new pube trimmer thing that came with a razor I bought. I figured what the hell and I tried it and OH MY GOD I’m so itchy! Unlike trimming with scissors, cutting the hair with a razor made each hair sharp and awful. HELP!
Pubemergency! I can’t believe that nobody tested that shaver thing before they sent it to market. Or else maybe you’ve just got steely strong pubic hair. In any case, I think you might need to either shave it all off, or re-trim everything with your usual scissors. The first priority is to get those awful little poke hairs out of there.
I realize shaving all of it seems counterintuitive, but as the hair grows in slowly it’ll have time to dull before it gets long enough to jab your skin. Once you remove the sharp, just-cut hairs, you’ll need to soothe your sensitive area. You could try a nice soak in the bath followed by some lotion, or a topical itch cream—just numbing the skin for a bit should help it to calm down. Ibuprofen or another painkiller might help, too. And let this be a lesson to us all: in the world of pube grooming, there are no takebacks. Experimental hair removal should not be done near your sex bits.
Sex@TheLMagazine.com for questions or comments
Illustration by Mike Force
