“Price Check on Extra-Small Condoms?” 

Dear Audrey,
So I’ve been seeing this guy for the better part of three months. No complaints about the sex itself, however the rubbers he’s been using (several types, all normal size) keep slipping off. Frankly, I’m not too happy about having to remember to slip my hand down to the scene of the crime while we’re at it just to make sure his jammies are still on. I mean, it makes me seem paranoid for one thing, but it’s also just unnerving. So my question is, have you ever heard of small (as opposed to regular or cucumber-sized) condoms? I realize condom makers might think that labeling their wares as “extra snug” might exacerbate the stigma of small dicks, but this is kind of a serious issue that I’d prefer solving with mild embarrassment at the drugstore over suddenly realizing I’m pregnant — or infected with something.

Yeah, geez, that’s problematic. Nothing kills the mood like having to perform isometric ab work while fucking. You must have impressive core strength.

Dudes with small dicks: buy the right kind of condoms! Come on! Just like me wedging my ass into a size of pants too small for it will not actually make my ass smaller, buying too large condoms does not magically make your dick the correct size to fit in them. It is only in stupid movies that a hot lady would see your package of Magnums and be all like “Hmm, I am suddenly pawing myself with sexual arousal for this previously uninteresting man.”

And in both examples, it’s just shitty cultural conditioning that makes people insecure about their junk. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: small dicks (and fat asses, for that matter) are rad. All sizes of dicks can be good at sex, and all sizes of dicks can suck at sex. That said, there are indeed smaller-sized condoms and yes, they are often marketed as “snugger fit.”

I know, when will marketing people realize that the euphemistic names for things they think are embarrassing are the most embarrassing part? Did anyone else see that Australian pad commercial from the internet where a stuffed beaver toy is wearing the pad as one of those sleep masks? Gross. Am I supposed to imagine the beaver hemorrhaging from the eyes? I know periods are ew yucky girl parts, but they’re not fucking ebola.
Anyway, Lifestyles makes one, and I’m pretty sure if you look around you’ll find others. Good on you for being safe. Hooray!

Dear Audrey,
Up until recently, I had only been with girls. Now my boyfriend wants to try fisting, but I’m not used to big hands like his — can I actually be injured or will my body adjust?

Wow, sounds like someone’s new boyfriend has been watching The L Word. That show is fist city!
So yeah. The point is, your vulva was made to expand enough to fit a baby head out, so unless your boyfriend is LeBron James or something (which if he is, way to go) he should be able to fist you.

Just do like you would with anyone or anything: lots of lube, lots of foreplay, relax and if it doesn’t happen, no big deal. Don’t try and force anything and if it hurts, stop. Oh and double-check his fingernail length before you make a go of it. Somehow, despite the important outreach work being done by the show Tool Academy, not all het dudes have done the math on the fingernail/pussy equation.

And yes, apparently I watch too much TV. It is cold outside and I am from Texas.


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