Revising the Enemies List 

Fat Black Pussycat 130 W 3rd St.
The Abbey 536 Driggs, Williamsburg
For me, the change in seasons is a time of reflection, much more than New Year’s will ever be. There’s something about the summer slowly giving way to fall — the return of the punky school kids who throw half-eaten cartons of sesame chicken at my window, the sweat of the dumb bitches in gabardine jodhpurs who switched to fall fashion too early — that gives me pause, and causes me to re-examine my worldview.

Usually this means adding or removing items from the category of Things I Hate. For example, galoshes: actually pretty stupid. Hate them. Leggings: still stupid, but at least serving a purpose now that it’s not a million degrees. Don’t entirely hate them. This process has been taking place with my mental list of bar favorites, and the results surprise even me. For example, I was recently cajoled into giving Fat Black Pussycat another chance. I had refused to ever go there ever after someone there stole my gym bag — it was clearly a gym bag, and clearly filled with dirty clothing that had absolutely no value to anyone but me. Any place with thieves that stupid was not a place I could tolerate. And this was even aside from the fact that it’s a shitty bar filled with idiot nutsacks.

But — but! I went back the other day, and it wasn’t so bad. The back room is quiet-ish, and if you can snag a table you don’t have to interact with anyone wearing a Kitson t-shirt. Best of all, their happy hour is cheap. REALLY cheap. $4.25 for top-shelf liquor cheap. So, because you’re so fantastically cheap and you manage to keep your most loathsome customers away from the nice people, Fat Black Pussycat, I remove my ban on you.

I also would like to un-ban the Abbey. Abbey, you were one of the first bars to get cool in Williamsburg, and for a very, very long time you were unbearable: first overfilled with too-cool-for-school kids, then very quickly with trying-so-hard-to-be-too-cool-but-actually-afraid-to-cut-class-cause-missing-that-quiz-would-hurt-their-shot-at-Princeton kids. But I’m happy to report that the smoke has cleared and if, for some strange reason, you need another Williamsburg bar to add to your repertoire, the Abbey is acceptable and no longer banned in any way.

In conclusion, let’s all agree to keep our blazers in our closets until the high dips below 85. Happy fall, everybody.


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