Dear Judge Roberts: On behalf of the still-alive members of the Court, I would like to send you my heartiest wishes for a speedy and tranquil confirmation process. In between mounting my favorite taxidermied duck carcasses above the mantle and plumbing Rehnquist’s corpse for fillings, I’ve caught some of what that grain-alcohol-soaked bitch Ted Kennedy’s been giving you on C-SPAN and I’ve got to say: big fucking deal. Tough titties! Do you know what Thomas had to go through with that crazy pube-scavenging whore? Do you know how many foot massages I’ve had to give Dick Cheney? You know what? You and your “I was 25 when I wrote that memo and all 25 year olds are idiots” slip-and-slide act can go kiss my ass.
n case you spent the last five years having rewarding marital relations with your lovely wife and with those Norman Rockwell kiddies of yours, I’ll have you know that some of us have been working very patiently on the Court for approximately nine hundred billion years, cleaning up the messes of the idiot Lumpenproletariat this country doesn’t have the good sense to execute on sight just for being poor or not white. I mean, do you know how many law books I had to put through the shredder for the insatiable Katherine Harris back in 2000? Do you know how many gay pornos James Dobson made me watch — for research! — in his basement, wearing boxer briefs and covered in baby oil (for research!!!)? Do you know how many of those godawful Left Behind books I had to read and summarize in four-word sentences for the President? Do you know how many nights I stayed up praying with Pat Robertson for the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, only to feel partially responsible for Rehnquist kicking it instead? Of course you don’t, because you’ve been too busy taking any discernible opinion you might have on anything remotely divisive and burying it in legalese and corporate speak so that even Arlen Specter looks like a moron trying to call you on your bullshit!!!
I hate you, Judge Roberts. I hate you so much that if I had access to the U.S. Constitution I would rush through a special amendment declaring you an “A#1 Gaywad,” and then I’d rush through the gay marriage ban specifically to thwart you. Oh, wait, I can’t do any of that stuff because in order to misuse massive amounts of authority for my own petty and vindictive purposes, I’d have to be Chief Justice, and apparently I’m not GOOD enough to be Chief Justice, despite the 7,000 shares of Halliburton I own.
So you know what, Roberts? You can take those matinee-idol good looks and shove them up Cheney’s ass for awhile and see how much you like it! You think you have what it takes to be on this Court just because you helped Reagan try to re-segregate the country? Right. If you think you’re invited to Souter’s Halloween party, you are mistaken. And it’s going to be awesome — last year Clarence went as Anna Nicole Smith. We still talk about it now. This year’s is going to have a “Death to Roe v. Wade” theme, but I thought I’d be edgy and go as a gay minority diaper looter in New Orleans. Too bad you’re going to miss it. When you finish getting rushed through and you show up to work your first day and there’s a sign on your locker that says GET BENT, ROBERTS, you’ll know who it’s from. Yours Sincerely, Nino