Say It With Me: ?Foot Pussy?
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
Ok, so my friend got me this sex toy thing as a joke for my birthday last year. It’s like a foot with a hole in the bottom of it shaped like a vagina. Of course, after laughing about how creepy it was, I eventually gave in and tried it out. It turns out I actually liked it. I thought about going and getting one that is just a vagina, but decided, if anything, it would weirder to buy something for reals than to use the joke one. But now I’m worried that if a girl I’m dating finds it, she’ll think I’m a weirdo, but at the same time I don’t want to give it up. What should I do?
My mother would say that any girl that doesn’t like you for who you are, foot pussy and all, isn’t worth your time. On the other hand, you are regularly fucking a piece of foot-shaped latex with a lady part down the center of it. I guess what you have to ask yourself is, how much do I love my foot pussy? I mean, maybe it would be a good litmus test for how down with freakiness a girl is: if a pedi-vulva scares her off, then she’s probably pretty vanilla. Because, reader, let’s be honest with ourselves for a minute. You are a little freaky, no?
Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t get the sense that you’re like thirteen or anything — I’m going to go ahead and assume that you have at least semi-regular access to an actual human downtown area, and yet you love foot pussy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, ok, but at least based on all the coochie simulacra I’ve come in contact with, those fake vajays don’t seem nearly as pleasurable as a lubed fist. Right? Human flesh not shaped like a vagina offers more vagina verisimilitude than latex that is shaped like a vagina.
What I’m saying is that you might at least want to consider the possibility that you’ve got a little kink in ya, which, for many ladies, is a definite plus. Kinky dudes understand that five minutes of missionary isn’t going to cut it (unless missionary is their kink?). What started as a joke could have been a call to self-discovery in disguise. Maybe next time don’t be ashamed of your latex buddy. Perhaps, if you get the sense that a girl might be into it, bring her into the fun. Let your foot pussy freak flag fly. You might surprise yourself! And almost certainly, her!
Dear Audrey,
Does anyone ever use dental dams? Really?
Someone must. I’ve never seen them in the wild, but you know, safety first and stuff. My first year of college they gave us all these little kits that had dental dams in them, along with boy condoms and girl condoms and those little finger condoms, but I don’t know anyone who used anything but the boy condoms, and not even those for most people (I went to a nerd college where lots of people didn’t get laid, ever). But I’m not going to tell anyone not to use a dental dam because duh, STDs are super bad. Like what if you had a cut on your mouth and a lady that you are pleasuring had a cut on her area (maybe you didn’t trim your fingernails enough!) and badness ensues. Or also, what about herpes? But at the same time, I do know a significant number of men and women who don’t use dental dams or even condoms for oral. I don’t have statistics or anything, but probably that’s not great. Now I’m all worried. Let’s all go out today and buy dental dams and put them in the little boxes near our bedstands, just in case. •
Ok, so my friend got me this sex toy thing as a joke for my birthday last year. It’s like a foot with a hole in the bottom of it shaped like a vagina. Of course, after laughing about how creepy it was, I eventually gave in and tried it out. It turns out I actually liked it. I thought about going and getting one that is just a vagina, but decided, if anything, it would weirder to buy something for reals than to use the joke one. But now I’m worried that if a girl I’m dating finds it, she’ll think I’m a weirdo, but at the same time I don’t want to give it up. What should I do?
My mother would say that any girl that doesn’t like you for who you are, foot pussy and all, isn’t worth your time. On the other hand, you are regularly fucking a piece of foot-shaped latex with a lady part down the center of it. I guess what you have to ask yourself is, how much do I love my foot pussy? I mean, maybe it would be a good litmus test for how down with freakiness a girl is: if a pedi-vulva scares her off, then she’s probably pretty vanilla. Because, reader, let’s be honest with ourselves for a minute. You are a little freaky, no?
Perhaps I’m wrong, but I don’t get the sense that you’re like thirteen or anything — I’m going to go ahead and assume that you have at least semi-regular access to an actual human downtown area, and yet you love foot pussy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, ok, but at least based on all the coochie simulacra I’ve come in contact with, those fake vajays don’t seem nearly as pleasurable as a lubed fist. Right? Human flesh not shaped like a vagina offers more vagina verisimilitude than latex that is shaped like a vagina.
What I’m saying is that you might at least want to consider the possibility that you’ve got a little kink in ya, which, for many ladies, is a definite plus. Kinky dudes understand that five minutes of missionary isn’t going to cut it (unless missionary is their kink?). What started as a joke could have been a call to self-discovery in disguise. Maybe next time don’t be ashamed of your latex buddy. Perhaps, if you get the sense that a girl might be into it, bring her into the fun. Let your foot pussy freak flag fly. You might surprise yourself! And almost certainly, her!
Dear Audrey,
Does anyone ever use dental dams? Really?
Someone must. I’ve never seen them in the wild, but you know, safety first and stuff. My first year of college they gave us all these little kits that had dental dams in them, along with boy condoms and girl condoms and those little finger condoms, but I don’t know anyone who used anything but the boy condoms, and not even those for most people (I went to a nerd college where lots of people didn’t get laid, ever). But I’m not going to tell anyone not to use a dental dam because duh, STDs are super bad. Like what if you had a cut on your mouth and a lady that you are pleasuring had a cut on her area (maybe you didn’t trim your fingernails enough!) and badness ensues. Or also, what about herpes? But at the same time, I do know a significant number of men and women who don’t use dental dams or even condoms for oral. I don’t have statistics or anything, but probably that’s not great. Now I’m all worried. Let’s all go out today and buy dental dams and put them in the little boxes near our bedstands, just in case. •
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