Sex, Lies and Digitized Videotape 

Dear Audrey,
If you pull out during sex, where do you come on a woman’s body? A friend and a girl he was hooking up with disagreed on whether coming on the stomach was SOP. What’s the etiquette on this?


I’m glad you asked. With this handy mnemonic device, you’ll never be confused again:
If it can be cleaned with a towel/You’ve not run afoul. If it requires a shower/You’ve o’erstepped your power./But don’t have unprotected sex with strangers because that’s how you get AIDS.

Perhaps write it on an index card to keep in your wallet next to the condom that you will be using next time.

Dear Audrey,
I am a 22-year-old woman who has just finished college. When I was a sophomore my then-boyfriend and I made a video of us having sex. We broke up a little while later on good terms, and he said he’d destroy the video (along with some photos and other sexy mementos.) Anyway, I just found out that he uploaded our video onto a video-sharing website with a lot of amateur sex stuff and I’m really upset. What do I do?


Oh, information age. You’ve brought us the beauty and majesty of videos where monkeys beat small children in sit-up contests, and yet you have such a dark side. I’m sorry this happened — that really sucks. If you still have the guy’s contact info, obviously the first thing to do would be to write him and ask what the fuck? I can’t help but wonder if someone other than him put the video up, since presumably he’s in it too. I’m sure if you contact the site, they’d be happy to take it down (and if not, just tell them you have proof one of the participants in underage) but who knows where else the thing might’ve got to? I have no idea how you’d even search for it without just trolling around amateur sex sites, which might be a worse fate than the situation you’re in now. You may just have to live with the idea that there are some dudes in the world who are going to see your sex video. This is a completely shitty situation to be in — I mean, remember that girl who lost her job just because she was in some fake comedy sex ed video about butt fucking? — but I think we can all learn a lesson from it. Kids, if it exists, somebody will probably, eventually see it. If you are uninterested in being an internet personality, be careful what you record. My advice to all of you homemade porn enthusiasts is simple: either face or genitals, but not both. That way, unless you have distressingly identifiable sex parts, nothing really dirty can be definitively traced back to you. If you absolutely must tape your whole bodies, go get some masks or some shit. Or edit out the faces. Otherwise, there is at least a reasonable chance you will end up in this situation. Anyway, all that is post facto for you, person writing the question, and I’m sorry that I don’t have any better advice. I hope you can get it all sorted out before anyone you know sees your intimates.

Dear Audrey,
How many is too many? Lots of times at the beginning of a relationship you have to have that talk about how many other people you’ve slept with. In your opinion, where’s the line between “sexy and experienced” and “a little nympho/scary”?


100,000. If you’ve fucked more than the population of a medium-sized midwestern town, I’d suggest you fudge that one a little. But honestly? Can we all agree not to have this conversation anymore? Nobody wins in those kinds of discussions.

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