Sex with Old People: Yes? No?
by Audrey FerenceDear Audrey, I think I'm going to take the plunge and sleep with one of my professors. Is there anything I should know before we get it on?
Here is what you should know: DO NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR PROFESSOR. Seriously, come on. Sleeping with a professor? Great, good idea. You've got an appointment with the Love Doctor (of Philosophy), mazel tov. But don't fuck your professor. That just makes for a world of awkward. (For both of you. I wish I could yell at your professor also, because those tenure-track jobs are not easy to come by.) Plus if you actually have an interest in being in academia, that's going to get around and nobody's going to take you seriously and it'll be like a whole big thing.
I mean, look, I get it, sleeping with an authority figure is exciting. And yes, probably I am a big ol' prude in this regard. But it is my professional opinion that professors and bosses are off limits, fuck-wise, at least while they are your professors and bosses.
Hey, my Nana had my Grampy for undergrad physics, so I wouldn't even be here if not for the tradition of professor fucking, but she had the good sense to wait until after she finished his class. Though she did end up getting a C, so what do I know?
Dear Audrey, For the past few months, I've been sleeping with an older manâ�‚��€�he's not old, per se, but he's not exactly a spring chicken. Though he likes it a bit rougher, I've been trying to be a little delicate with himâ�‚��€�we've all heard those stories about older gentlemen passing away during intercourse. Am I being stupid or can an aging but healthy man really enjoy himself to death?
Ha ha, aw, I bet that really fires up the old boner machine: let's keep it vanilla so that I don't break your brittle old carapace, lover. I have no idea what "older but not old" meansâ�‚��€�most times I hear someone described that way it is a 21-year-old talking about someone in their early 30s which, if you can fuck yourself to death at 33 then god bless ya.
But yes, of course, plenty of people do die while getting it on. Heart attacks, strokes, whatever; jizzing is definitely a strain on the old system. I think that most people in reasonably good health have as much chance of giving themselves a sex heart attack as they do an "elliptical machine at the gym" heart attack or a "what the fuck is that loud noise" heart attack, which is to say, we all die someday and I really wouldn't restrict yourself in the sack on account of it. Certainly, there are many people at all ages with different kinds of heath issues and disabilities that affect what kinds of sex they are able to have, but if your partner hasn't mentioned any limitations, then I wouldn't worry about it.
Just, you know, if they start to feel woozy or look funny or something, then maybe relax for a minute. And we all know the three stroke questions, right? These can help save the life of somebody even if you are not sleeping with them. If you think someone might be having a stroke, ask them to 1) Lift both arms above their head 2) Smile (and note if the smile is lop-sided-er than usual) and 3) Say a simple sentence. Heart attack warning signs include (in men) shortness of breath, chest pain, shooting arm pain, or dizziness. In women it could be those, or especially chest tightness, stomach ache, or jaw/back pain.
If you suspect someone you know is having a stroke or heart attack, call an ambulance. And if you are fucking them at the time, maybe put their pants back on. After you call 911.
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