Sexy Pics 101
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I am in a long-distance relationship and am trying to keep the home fires burning while I'm 2,000 miles away. He requested some naughty pics. All I have to work with is a crappy cell phone. Do you have any tips on how to make these pictures titillating?
Ha, titillating. Like boobs. Funny stuff. Anyway, I am complete garbage when it comes to anything camera-related, but I think this is a really good question. Self-photos are hard, as a million Facebook profile pics can attest.
Luckily, I have a friend who I just knew would have some excellent advice for this person, and she did indeed. Thank you ever so much, adorable anonymous tipster:
"When I tried to do this I first tried taking pictures of myself by holding the phone away from me; this did not go very well. A friend recommended that I take pictures in the mirror, and this worked much easier. I also did a little research on adult websites to find poses that I liked to try myself. Some other tips to make the pics look sexy: does your partner have anything in particular that he likes? A favorite pair of panties, shoes, jewelry? Throw them in there! If you're worried about there being digital evidence out there, don't include your face in the pictures. This way they will still be hot, but anonymous (to most) if the shit goes down. Another cute idea is to do a picture strip tease. Take each picture as you remove a piece of clothing and send them separately in sequence."
She also had some advice for any ladies or gentlemen on the receiving end of steamy boudoir shots: "Positive reinforcement when receiving naughty pics is a good idea."
So there you go. Have at it. Start that file on your hard drive called "boring work spreadsheets 2009" and snap away. Oh, and if you have a digital camera, chances are you probably have a time delay photo feature or even a remote control thingy that might be useful.
Dear Audrey,
Every time my boyfriend and I fool around but end up not having sex, he complains about blue balls. Endlessly. Are blue balls a real phenomenon or is it just a guy thing to get chicks to capitulate?
Well, they are real, to an extent. I mean yes, men who get boners and don't jizz often experience a certain amount of discomfort. Not being a dude, I cant say exactly how much discomfort, but I suspect not nearly enough to justify the constant bitching and guilt some creeps lay on the ladies about it.
Also? Someone else's blue balls are not your problem. When you tell a dude you don't want to fuck, and he whines about how you are hurting him, what he is saying is that his discomfort is more important than your right to decide when and with whom you have sex. Note to dudes: cut that shit out. If you're so worried about blue balls, then don't engage in any makeouts.
Furthermore fellas: You are also welcome to excuse yourself and jack it in bathroom. Sorry that every so often you have to experience a small amount of sex-related discomfort. Many women experience tons of sex-related discomfort, including but not limited to UTIs, hymen-popping, and frequently not having orgasms due to partner error. So, you know, tough shit.
