I’m a bisexual woman in my early 30s who has, at various points in my life, been into all kinds of fun stuff. Over the years, thanks to generous partners, divergent interests, and a stint as a staffer at a feminist sex shop, I’ve amassed quite a collection of toys. I’ve always been a safety-first kind of gal, so when I play with a partner I use a barrier, I always clean everything properly, etc. My current partner—the first guy I’ve been with in a while—is a bit more straight-laced, though he shows an admirable willingness to try new things.
His only hangup is that he absolutely refuses to consider using toys with me that I’ve used with past partners. I find this beyond puzzling. We’ve talked about it, and he says it’s less a concern about germs, and more just that he doesn’t like to think about who else I’ve used them with. He’s not a jealous person, normally. I’ve suggested we pick up a few things that can be “just for us” to use, but it makes me sad not to use all my great stuff. I certainly can’t afford to (and don’t want to) replace everything. I really have trouble understanding his POV. In the past, we’ve had misunderstandings because our default assumptions are so different. He’s just such a straight-dude sometimes. Am I wrong for thinking he’s being ridiculous?
Ok, but does it matter if you’re wrong? If I say that you are 100 percent right, and your guy is being a boring ol’ square, and you wave this sentence under his nose triumphantly until he relents, does that make it not matter that he can’t enjoy taking it up the ass from you because all he can think about is how many other asses your particular dick has been up, and who they might have belonged to, and whether you thought they were better in bed than he was?
For the record, because I of all people understand the pedantic importance of being abstractly and uselessly “right” in an argument, yes, I agree that your fella is being silly. There’s no logical reason why he should be bothered by accessing your massive war chest of sex implements just because you’ve shared them with other people in your life. Clearly, you don’t start hooking up with a woman of your age and experience because you want to imagine yourself with a blushing virgin.
However! People are weird. They have hangups. Hangups, by definition, do not make sense, otherwise you wouldn’t think of them as hangups, you’d think of them as legitimate concerns. If you don’t want to be fucking a hetero bro with some issues, then why are you? There is no law saying you’ve got to fuck at least one straight every 10 years. Find someone more your speed.
But if you are enjoying fucking this guy, then you should be concerned with his pleasure and comfort. You don’t get to decide what makes him comfortable or what gives him pleasure. The same way he takes you for what you are, you’ve got to take him for what he is, even if it’s not entirely logical. You might also consider that he is perhaps feeling a bit intimidated by your wealth of experience and sex accoutrements. Once he starts to feel more comfortable, maybe he’ll want to explore your back catalog. As it stands, you can be right or you can have great sex. Your choice.