Spank Someone Happy!
by L.B. Wilkenson
Before the parade even began Michelle (who is my good friend and the funniest girl in America) spotted kidnapper, coke-whore, sex tape star and all around super star, Danielle Straub! Danielle, from The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Is there any more auspicious a start to a parade then spotting a reality television star with a checkered past? (Hint: No.)
There was a lot more pre-parade waiting around than I’d anticipated. Tourists unabashedly stared and snapped pictures of me while I was eating a bagel and drinking orange juice, which were riveting shots, I’m sure. Being a part of a spectacle was new for me and it was kind of fun, but just when I was starting to get into being photographed, some drag queens showed up and stole all the attention.
At noon, the parade finally began. While I was standing beside a barricade, I overheard a flustered woman ask a cop how she was supposed to get across the street. “I have to attend a christening in St. Patrick’s Cathedral!” she said and the cop laughed.
I think you probably have to be pretty out of touch to schedule a christening at St. Patrick’s Cathedral during the Pride parade.
These are the gentlemen who marched in the parade directly behind us. The guy on the left was wearing a thong and he had an ass like two perfectly square loaves of bread.
It was 80 degrees that day. Can you imagine the stew the daddy on the right was cooking up in those leather shorts?
The busiest time of year for most retail outfits is Christmas, but for us it’s Valentine’s Day and Pride weekend. Our storeowner really got into the Pride festivities — he must’ve spent thousands of dollars on the float, DJ and dancers. I get paid minimum wage, but it’s cool.
PS — the girl at the far right kept showing her tits.
We handed out thousands of paddles (paint stirrers) that read, “Spank Someone Happy!” The crowd went crazy for the paddles, slapping them together in time to the music, sword fighting and, of course, smacking the hell out of one another. I let a few people spank my behind and I paddled a cop who tried to act like he didn’t like it, but who totally did. Freaky-cop, send me an email.
For the last year, much of my life has been taken up by sex, sexuality and “alternative living.” It’s not that I was particularly prudish before I started working at a sex store, but I was generally unconcerned with the politics of sexuality.
What does society consider normative sexual behavior? Why is that? Which people are marginalized because of societal opinion? I like to pretend that working in a sex store is just like any other retail job, but being forced to think about these things on a daily basis is why it’s not.
The parade wrapped up in the West Village. By the end of it I was exhausted and limping in my heels, my wig was askew and just enough of my lightning bolt had washed away to make it look like I had a black eye. Michelle told me I looked like an exhausted hooker finishing up an eight-hour shift. It was an awesome day.
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