Teen Spirit 

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Dear Audrey, I’m a normal straight guy, 28, reasonably attractive. I do ok with the ladies: I’ve had a few relationships, and when I’m single I can usually find someone to hook up with. I’ve had good sex, a good amount. The other night me and some of my friends were at the bar, deciding whether to text various ladies, when we started reminiscing about sex in high school. I lost my virginity at 16, and it was the best. Back then everything felt amazing—even just making out with a girl or touching her boobs was bliss. A blowjob was heaven. Everything was so exciting. The first time I had penis-in-vagina sex I remember thinking it was everything I’d hoped for. Now, sometimes sex is good and sometimes it’s great, but it’s never exciting like that. Is there any way to get back to that? For a simple blowjob to be the best thing ever? I’m not that interested in more out-there sex stuff like golden showers or anything. I just want the simple things to be as good as possible.

That’s… sweet? I guess? I mean, look, 28 is a pretty prime time for nostalgia. You’re staring down 30, starting to realize that you’re not going to get to be a dipshit forever, at least not without consequences. It makes sense that you would long for a simpler time when sticking your dick into anything was a revelation and your friends weren’t starting to get married and have babies.

I think you know in your heart that you can’t ever truly recapture the glow of youth. And you might want to do some hard thinking about whether you’re remembering how great being 16 was through the vaseline-smeared lens of your impending 1/3-life crisis. Sure, everything sexual was much more exciting then, but you also had to think about sex all the time. Remember how distracting that was? Spending your entire brain capacity ogling women and beating off and having blue balls after three-hour under-the-shirt-over-the-bra make-out sessions in a car? Also, you used to be terrible at sex. If I were the person receiving your penis jabs, I’d trade grateful enthusiasm for at least some technique and experience. There’s a reason lots of women don’t figure out that they can orgasm with a partner until college/post-college—it takes fellas a while to get good.

Still, if you really want to put yourself back in the mindset of a horny teen, try this experiment and let me know how it goes. You’ll never be able to dial back the clock on the mystery of sex and boobs and vulvas, but you can absolutely re-create the environment of scarcity you for some reason remember fondly. Just stop having sex. Stop doing anything sexual. It’ll probably work even better if you stop masturbating.

Go totally cold turkey for a month or two and you’ll be back to having wet dreams in no time. Take this even further by dating someone and not sleeping with them. You might need to talk to them about your experiment so they don’t think you’re religious or something, but find some game lady and go out a million times and make out and don’t go beyond boob touching until like date 20. I don’t know if it will bring back the magic, but it’s certain to remind you of the frustration. Good luck!

SEX@THELMAGAZINE.COM FOR QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS



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