The 5 Dumbest Sex Stories of 2010
by Audrey Ference
I would say that 2010 was a big year for sex, but let's be honest: every year is a big year for sex. It's sex, everybody's favorite bodily function. Some of the sex-related headlines this year were uplifting: The pill turned 50! Potential new AIDS drug! Others were somewhat less so. Here are five of the more absurd sex headlines this year.
#1.Craigslist shuts down erotic services section
Look, I hate sex trafficking as much as anyone. More, probably. Hate it! But it's not like the disgusting monsters that turn young women out into sexual slavery are going to be like "check and mate, Craigslist," and present their former prisoners with gift certificates to Applebee's and Barnard scholarships. No. That's ridiculous. However, it's now that much harder for the rest of us to tell sex workers and massage therapists apart. I think hand jobs are great, and I think deep tissue sports massages are also great, but I would definitely be a bit salty if I was expecting one and got the other.
#2. The Pope OKs Condom Use, but Only for Gay Prostitutes.
I feel like the Venn diagram sliver of men who listen to the Pope and who are also having sex with other men for money is pretty small? But then again there is a lot I don't really understand about Catholicism.
#3. Sex Workers Along a Highway in Spain are Required to Wear Orange Safety Vests.
I know, safety first. Very conscientious. And good on Spain for legalizing prostitution, because I mean, really, who is anyone kidding with not doing that everywhere? It's almost like somebody somewhere doesn't have the best interests of a vulnerable population of women and gay men at heart... ANYWAY. I think we can all agree that the only way to make a bright orange safety vest "sexy" is to tie it up like a 90s belly shirt, which, that shit is ridiculous. The inhumanity!
#4. Silvio Berlusconi in General.
This guy. Where to even start with this guy? Bunga bunga parties? The statue of him as Superman? The thousands of dollars he's given away to his young (sometimes very young) mistresses? His claim that it's better to fuck a bunch of chicks than to be gay? The fact that he horrified scholars and taxpayers alike by dropping $100,000 to stick a dick back on an ancient Roman statue he borrowed? I mean, it's not like he's just some CEO of some multinational company: he is in charge of a country! And not one of those little ones nobody listens to (sorry Luxembourg)—Italy is in the fucking G8! Remember when everyone got their dicks in a twist because Bill Clinton got a blowjob at work? Seriously. There is seemingly no end to his horny antics, so I guess look for him on this list next year as well.
#5. A Sex Store is Required to Get a Food Permit Because It Sells Edible Underwear.
Gross. Come on, San Antonio department of health and sanitation, nobody really eats that stuff. Have you guys actually seen edible underwear? I know of two kinds: one is basically like a fruit roll-up in the shape of underwear (gross) and the other is a g-string made out of one of those candy necklaces (gross). Don't even try and make me think about the commingling and then consumption of sex fluids and fruit roll-ups. Gross.
For questions and comments, The Natural Redhead can be reached at sex@thelmagazine.com
