The Best Exercise is Self-Excercise
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I recently moved in with my girlfriend. I love her and the sex as is good as usual, but I miss masturbating sometimes. Whenever I’m home alone and I sort of get into it, I start to feel like I’m 14 again, worried about getting caught. I guess I could just talk to my girlfriend about it, but that feels weird, plus we’re both still adjusting to the move... I don’t want to freak her out.
I will say that there’s a reason 14-year-olds take such long showers. That’s always an option. Or wait until you are sure your lady is going to be away for a certain amount of time. I do think you’ll relax about it a bit once you guys settle in more. I mean, unless she is categorically anti-porn, getting caught looking at it on the ‘puter is not such a big deal, really.
I know I should say to be all open about your needs and not ashamed because it’s natural blah blah, incorporate more masturbation into your regular sex life blah, which, fine, you probably should, but I know exactly what you mean and I think it’s not that. Just, sometimes you want to do your thing, by yourself, and not have it be some big sex-positive commucationy deal.
Hang tight, little wanker. You will sort it out. As you get more used to each other, you’ll figure out when you have enough time to spread out and when not. Many times, you can just say “text me when you’re leaving the bar” or where ever she is at. Also, you can probably (depending on where you live) hear when someone is unlocking the apartment door, so you have some warning time. But yeah, it’s a little teenager-living-at-home. In a way though, isn’t that nice? To wash the taste of Grownup Adults Cohabitating out of your mouth for a little while?
Dear Audrey,
What are some specific exercises I can do to get stronger for sex? I like to try new positions/methods but I find often that I suffer from muscle fatigue or cramps. I’m in ok shape but, you know, I wouldn’t mind being a sex champ..
I would suppose we could all use strong asses for thrusting, and good cores for stability. Strong arms for holding yourself up. Oh and cardio for endurance. Plus kegel exercises if you are a lady. (Am I the only one who gets bored and gives up after like five of those?)
In conclusion, I guess the same workout you would do for normal fitness probably works for sex fitness, with the exception of strengthening your jaw and tongue area, which frankly I have no idea how you do that except by just giving more blowjobs/rim jobs/cunnilingus. I guess probably our old friend Craigslist could help you out with that.
Oh and also, if you are getting cramps, it is possible that you do not get enough potassium. Especially if they are like leg and toe charley horses. Eat more bananas. See how perfect nature is? You eat the thing shaped like a boner to get better at using a boner. Fibonacci!
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