The Boob Edition
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
A few weeks ago my parents came to stay with my boyfriend and me for a visit. One night, thinking my parents had gone to sleep, we started going at it — and, of course, this is when my mom comes to tell me I'm out of toothpaste. I'm almost 30 and shouldn't feel ashamed, but needless to say things are weird with my folks right now — any tips on repairing our relationship?
Hoo boy. There is really not a whole lot you can do. I think you kind of just have to live with it until everyone sort of gets over it, or your dad makes some kind of weird, inappropriate joke or something. Getting walked in on: never not awkward.
Cautionary tale alert, everybody. Learn from these people’s mistakes. You know I am not one to preach abstinence, but seriously, if your parents are sharing your tiny apartment with you, there is an excellent chance they will be aware that you are fucking. Do it at your own risk.
Dear Audrey,
Why is it that everyone seems to like boobs? Even gay men and straight women that I know admire ladies’ racks. Why?
It is because boobs are awesome.
Dear Audrey,
Is it true that women can have two really different sized breasts? I mean I know that there are little differences but can someone really have two completely different sizes? How do they buy a bra?
Yes, it is Boob Week here at the old sex column factory. And yes, it is true, two totally different-sized breasts are possible! Like two different-sized balls, two different-colored eyes, one leg longer than the other, and the kazillion other ways that humans fail to be completely symmetrical. Women who have had mastectomies also have different sizes of boobs, if they choose not to get the one reconstructed. Nature: so crazy!
In terms of bras, and it is sort of funny that you are concerned about this, but ok, there are multiple solutions. One could not wear a bra. One could have a custom piece made. One could stuff a cup, or have padding sewn into one side. One could buy a bra made from a stretchy material that can accommodate both titties. Man in his industriousness has solved the complex engineering challenge presented by the unfettered gazonga.
Dear Audrey,
I have a couple guys who I used to keep on file for 4am drunk hookups. What’s the best way to tell them that I have a boyfriend now and we’ve decided not to sleep with anyone else?
Here, I will create a form letter for you. Friends, feel free to use this as you wish. Creative commons! Upload this into your text message generational software:
Hey [name],
Thanks for all the excellent ass over the years. FYI, I am no longer available for fucking. I will keep you informed if/when this changes. Just wanted to let you know for the next time you are crunk.
Hugs not slugs (though actually no hugs any more because of my boyfriend),
[your name]
You can send each one individually, or if you want to do a group list, just cut the part with the name. “Hey buddy/pal/guy” is probably not recommended, as it implies that you cannot remember the person’s name. I mean I know you guys are just fuck buddies but still, a person likes to feel that their sex-having style left some kind of impression. And no, you are not required to suggest possible replacements. Good luck with your monogamy!
