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Grado PS1000 Professional Headphones
From endless, tinny Christmas music needling out of every speaker everywhere in the whole world to bafflingly inane office conversations about the Star Wars Christmas special, this is a horrible time of year to have functioning auditory receptors, particularly if you hate the holidays (and you do). Cancel out the torture with these ridiculously awesome headphones (we recommend Nick Cave for anti-Xmas music).
Dijital Fix, 218 Bedford Avenue, Williamsburg
The “You Think You’re Sad Now?” Gift Basket
So, you’re a mopey bastard, good for you. If you really want to be sad, why not dive into the bleak and brutal cinematic world of Michael Haneke (The Michael Haneke Collection is 10 discs of pure sorrow), or the blankly libidinous, self-loathing novels of Michel Houellbecq, or the truly disturbing child-monster idylls of Agota Kristof’s The Notebook (or, frankly, the American Notebook is just as horrifying); and make sure to listen to Gorecki’s “Symphony of Sorrowful Songs,” while surrounded by the holiday paintings of Thomas Kinkade. Only then will you understand true despair.
Membership to the Coney Island Polar Bear Club
Yes, misery truly loves company. And what’s not to love about a group of people who get together regularly and swim in the freezing cold Atlantic Ocean? Membership is $25 and clubmembers have to commit to monthly dips into frigid water—the perfect pastime for the happiness averse (though we imagine the resultant endorphins create a hell of a high).
Full-Body Spa Treatment
It’s hard to maintain an air of grumpiness when you’re supremely relaxed; the full treatment at Tres Belle is enough to drain the bile from the sourest Scrooge.
Tres Belle Spa, 105 Bond Street, Boerum Hill
Pre-Buy a Tab at Your Giftee’s Local Bar
Note to friends, family and acquaintences: we’ve always wanted this gift, a nice little note in a card that says, “Hey Jerkface, drinks are on me this Boxing Day. Go ahead, just try to drown your sorrows. Love, Mom.” Bonus: goes very well after the above option.