THE CELEBRITY ASSISTANT 

Neighborhood: West Village

Age: 25! Awesome!

Occupation: She takes care of everything for that brand of celebrity who is at least cool enough to not live in LA, but not quite cool enough to move to France.

Rent: Shares a place with a P.R. flack and an editorial assistant; they pay $1,100 each.

Profile: Perky ski-jump nose, slightly weak chin... Errr, she went to college to study the “liberal arts” (when asked which one she replies, “All of them!”) and really wasn’t sure how to parlay that into a fabulous and exciting life in New York City. Realized she was good at making hair appointments and getting things done. High tolerance for self-abasement and sparkling white wine.

Under $30: She’s always passing little notes hither and thither. She’ll love Juicy Couture stationery. (Tea Dye Note Cards, $30, Kate’s Paperie, 8 W. 13th St)

Surefire: Help her anticipate all celebrity needs with the perfect carry-all bag from Bleibtreu. (blibetroy.com, The Vier, $395)

The Fantasy Gift: Vincent Gallo’s sperm. Yes, as of press time he’s selling it on the Internet. We were almost too uncomfortable to suggest it, but... ($1 million, vgmerchandise.com, half price if the woman is attractive and would like Mr. Gallo to inseminate by hand, so to speak)

The Counterintuitive Gift: She hasn’t read a book since that novelization of The Beach. The Recognitions, by William Gaddis, is a mind-blowingly dense fever dream with large sections set right around her block. But if that’s not enough to get through its 1000-odd pages, tell her Ethan Hawke is thinking of starring in an adaptation.
($24, St. Mark’s Books, 31 Third Ave)

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