The Hair Down There 

Dear Audrey,

I'm not sure if this is a sex advice or a style advice question — but here goes. I have a really hairy shaft.My girlfriend does not perform oral sex unless it has been shaved.I have been self-conscious with it in the past, but with this added incentive, I have gotten into a habit of keeping the shaft shaved and the surrounding area kept neat.The issue — well many, but ingrown hairs and stubble are the worst! THE WORST! (How do women do it?) I am afraid to put hair removal creams on it and I cannot imagine waxing down there.Any advice?Any suggestions?

I will be honest with you, reader, this was a new one to me. I was aware of hairy balls and hairy general crotch area, but not shaft fur. Thankfully, the internet set me straight, and it seems that many dudes have hairy shafts. One gentleman on the large penis support group message boards (!) even went so far as to theorize that circumcision causes the skin to creep up the penis, pulling what should have been crotch skin up the shaft. I have no evidence one way or another on this, but it seems a bit suspect.

In any case, your question about crotch hair removal is a propos, as the whole world seems to have recently decided that the male pube reduction market is vast and untapped, and that their company wants a piece of it. I'm sure many of us have seen those ads with the one fuzzy kiwi and the one smooth kiwi floating around the internet advertising some sort of little shaver tool that was invented just in the nick of time to save the world from the scourge of pubic hair.

But so: your hairy dick. My first instinct, frankly, is to tell your girlfriend to get the fuck over it. I mean, sucking a furry dick seems far, far preferable to sucking a sandpapery, stubbly one.

Pretty please do not put Nair or any kind of depilatory anywhere near your junk. And yeah, waxing an actual penis seems like a poor idea. If keeping it au naturel is absolutely not an option, then as much as I dislike the very existence of those little trimmer tools (and please do not make me say the word "manscaping") I think that trimming is probably the way to go.

The idea here is basically a buzz cut on your wiener: short enough that there aren't tickly or obtrusive hairs, but not shorn close enough to the skin to give you razor burn, ingrown hairs or stubble. Another trick to make your hair less noticeable — or especially to reduce the itch of stubble if you have it — is to put conditioner or lotion on the growing-out hair. It makes it soft and flexible instead of sharp and pointy.

If there isn't much hair, just a few strays here and there, you could consider plucking them. I know this sounds painful, but it's not so bad, if there're only a few.

I will urge you again, though, to just work with your ladyfriend to find a way to live with the hair. This seems like a lot of unpleasantness. I think it is time for the pendulum to swing back toward at least moderate amounts of pubes for ladies and gents. I'm not saying 1970s bush or anything, but all this waxing and trimming is just a pain in the ass, and for what? Unless you dress like Lady Gaga, who gives a shit? Do I sound like a grandma? I don't care. I am pro-pubes now. Call me a contrarian.

Oh and confidential to the askmen.com article, and every other fucking place that tries to sell dudes on shaving because "it makes your junk look bigger"? No it doesn't. Nobody is fooled by this. Quit being stupid. •

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