Michael Bay’s latest attempt to inject deeper meaning into blowing stuff up, is set in a disconcertingly antiseptic future where clothes are white, food is free and health is king (think NYSC meets P.Diddy’s Hamptons). Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson star as residents of this enclosed world where people wait to be chosen to go to ‘the island’, the contaminated earth’s “last remaining paradise.” But, as Lincoln 6-Echo (McGregor) quickly discovers, there’s no island. His world is fake and he’s a clone who exists only to provide “spare parts” for people in the ‘real’ world. This revelation triggers an elaborate escape that destroys scores of cars and a hefty chunk of Los Angeles. The plot is riddled with holes. Insect-like tracking devices crawl into eyes but do no tracking. Religion triumphs over science in a world where the ultimate evil is pushing people through mundane lives with the promise of paradise. And most mind-boggling, the fiery escape that drives the movie begins minutes after Lincoln 6-Echo walks out the front door and then back in, uninterrupted. So why all the running and yelling? Because despite Bay’s noble efforts, The Island is all about the bang. The rest is half-baked punctuation to keep us awake for the next gunfight. Between sunlit kisses, Jordan 2-Echo (Johansson doing her best Tara Reid) purrs to Lincoln 6-Echo, “there is an island … it’s us.” And she’s right. This overwrought and heavily-branded jaunt, though fun at times, is no more than a distraction to push us through the doldrums. The flashy fantasy erases the humidity and the bad news for a couple hours only to dump us right back in with glassy eyes and duller minds. Must be July. Opens July 22
