As freedom-loving lovers of democracy and voting and stuff, we thought we’d try it out ourselves. We didn’t quite have the budget for nation building (hey, who does?) so we set up the inaugural L Magazine Best of New York City Readers’ Poll. That’s right, a poll for the people by the people, kind of about the people — needless to say, democracy is an ugly business. Oh yeah, one more thing: Mission Accomplished!
New Yorker Closest to Sainthood: Reverend Billy
You seemed to like this downtown, countercultural mainstay; bizarrely, you also seemed to like Mariah Carey. Our favorite response: “The two women who escorted me off the train today when I almost passed out.”
New Yorker Closest to Hell: Michael Bloomberg
Hands down, without a doubt, it’s old Mikey. All the usual suspects showed up here: Paris, Rudy, The Donald, Ratner, and even Robert Moses (who’s already down there).
Most Desirable Woman: La Hillary Clinton
Wow, overwhelmingly. We didn’t think power was that sexy. Sweetest response: “Jenny.” Awww.
Most Desirable Man: Elvis Costello
WTF!? This is why we love our readers. Or at least that one Elvis-obsessed reader.
Most Irritating Personality:
A tie: Hipsters, Michael Musto
The snide, ironic commentary pretty much writes itself. Most confusing response: “Fakeness.”
Man: Matt Lauer
Woman: Kaity Tong
We offered to buy these two a luxury night on the town. Interestingly, only one of them declined… Can you guess who?
Best Drag Performer: Peppermint Gummybear
In a candy-coated landslide. Surprise contender: Donald Trump (gee, you people are funny).
Worst Drag Performer: Sherry Vine
Oddly enough, the voting here was disturbingly similar to the category above; except for the very strong showing from Al Sharpton.
Best Graffiti Artist: Neckface
Yeah, no kidding. Nearly tripled the number of votes for “The guy who tagged my building.” Evidently this category could also have been called, Name a Graffiti Artist.
Most Overexposed Celebrity: Paris Hilton
This one felt like a Byelorussian presidential election. The woman received nearly 96 percent of the vote, decimating the runners-up Olsen twins.
Best Reclusive NYC Celebrity: Woody Allen
When you think about it, he’s not really that reclusive… But we guess that’s democracy. Strangest response: Ed Koch. Ed Koch!
Most Missed New Yorker: JFK Jr.
Going through this one made us sad, like those Oscar death montages. Here are some more votes (cue music): Arthur Miller, Susan Sontag, Joe DiMaggio, Biggie Smalls, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra, Joey Ramone. Sigh.
Which also recently made the “top-five dog runs” list in Dog Run Illustrated (or DogWorld or Transworld Dog or Dogger or something.) We feel kind of warm and downtown proud that you didn’t pick Central Park.
Fanciest Bathroom Experience
Waldorf Astoria, 301 Park Ave
The voting in this category seemed to have two themes: 1) The actual fixtures and atmosphere, and 2) The quality of the extracurricular activities. If you know what we mean...
Rothko, 116 Suffolk St.
A hotly contended race, with standards Port Authority and the Hole narrowly missing out on the top prize.
Best People-Watching Spot
The Union Square Steps
But are the people watching you? Probably not.
Best Non-Bar Pickup Spot
Whole Foods, 4 Union Square South
Is this arugula or kale? Are those real? Best response: “Times Square... just look for anyone staring up at the buildings.” And what? Surreptiously molest them?