The Marketing Force Will Be With You, Always
Star Wars: One Long Product-Placement Shot
by Nick NadelHonestly, why bother with the long, geek-heavy lines for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith when it’s all basically one big commercial? Cut to the chase and spend some time with these new (and old) Star Wars products instead. After all, we all know this is where Lucas’s passion really lies… merchandising.
Darth Tater
(2005, Revenge of the Sith)
The fiercest villain in movie history is rendered absolutely adorable (and carb-heavy) in Hasbro’s latest assault on our collective nostalgia. The "Dark Spud" comes with a mini light saber and (naturally) giant removable Mr. Potato Head eyes. Never before have two pop culture icons collided in a more wonderfully kitchsy fashion. (Well, not since Star Wars LEGO, or Star Wars Monopoly…)
Darth Vader Voice Changer Mask
(2004, Star Wars)
Improve your terrible Darth Vader impression with this amazing mask which actually changes your voice into that famous basso profundo. Imagine ordering take-out or disciplining your cat with this bad boy. Plus, make creepy Vader breathing sounds without passing out and choose from several signature James Earl Jones phrases. ("The Force is with you," "You don’t know the power of the dark side," "Welcome to Verizon.")
Wicket the Ewok Board Game
(1984, Return of the Jedi)
Ewoks, the Gungans of their time, experienced a brief popularity post-Jedi with cartoons, records, plush toys, and even two TV movies. (One starring Wilford Brimley!) Here Wicket (the most popular Ewok, though they all look alike) joins his furry friends on a jungle adventure to collect berries, nuts, mushrooms, and wild honey. Unfortunately the game didn’t come with a Stormtrooper to blast the wretched furries mid-berry munching.
Star Wars Holiday Special
(1978, Star Wars)
The "Holy Grail" of Star Wars merchandise has unfortunately only ever seen the light of day via dusty bootleg VHS cassettes. This sublime variety show masterpiece somehow manages to shoehorn Bea Arthur, Jefferson Airplane, Art Carney, a cartoon Boba Fett, and forced appearances by the major Star Wars cast members into a story about Chewbacca’s Wookie family celebrating something called "Life Day." George Lucas needs to lighten up and add this gem to the next inevitable Star Wars Special Edition DVD release.
C-3PO’s Cereal
(1984, Return of the Jedi)
Leave it to a protocol droid like C-3PO to help kids get their full day supply of niacin. C-3PO’s were a hit with kids in the early ’80s despite the fact that tasted like Wookie cookies. The cereal’s success was probably due to the fact that every box came with some kind of cool Star Wars-themed toy — like a cutout mask of a pre-motorcycle accident Mark Hamill.
Empire Strikes Back Atari Game
(1983, The Empire Strikes Back)
You can keep your Xbox Jedi Power Battles — the greatest Star Wars game of all time is and always will be this Atari 2600 classic. Kids today will never know the joys of piloting a tiny blip that sort of looks like a Snowspeeder past stage after stage of the same 2-bit Imperial AT-AT Walker. The thrill of finally blowing up one of those babies is akin to experiencing true love’s first kiss.
