The Moon Makes Us Crazy
Dear Audrey,
I just had the most insane experience. A client of mine (I’m a hairstylist) who I’ve seen once a month for approximately three years (for haircuts) asked me, two and a half years ago, “Do you like to play games?” I said, “Sure.” He proceeded to describe this elaborate plan of a missed-connection fantasy: Over a period of a couple years he would get to know me well and make me fall in love with him, so he could ignore me while I pined for him (my consolation prize for participation: oral sex from him). My thought was ‘Not possible.’ (I was in love with my live-in boyfriend at the time.) He relayed to me every possible feeling I could have when I realized what had happened (no novelty in things done by design) because he already knew, since he had done this to several women. So he lied to me for a year, claiming to have broken up with his girlfriend (never did). Anyway, three months ago, I fell for him. I had forgotten all about the “game,” but I just remembered now! His rationale was that he needed me to “make him feel like a man,” because if he played mind games with his girlfriend (the other one, not me) it would disrupt their relationship. What the hell?
Madam, I think you just answered your own question: What the hell, indeed.
Dear Audrey,
What’s the consensus of most ladies on period sex? I (a man) could go either way, but I don’t want to push if it’s not what girls like because I could totally just go without, but also I don’t want someone to think I’m squeamish and afraid of their body and naturalness and whatever.
You know, the all-chick sexual-decision-making body still hasn’t gotten its answer to me about this one, so I’ll just have to tell you what I know. Which is that, like most things, some people are into it and some people aren’t. Some ladies have the PMS (although I don’t understand why that term is used to apply to shit that happens during your period instead of just before it, but I don’t know what the preferred nomenclature would be). Anyway, so bloaty, crampy, tired, grumpy women are not usually women who are thinking to themselves, “Man, I could really use some deep dicking right now.”
On the other hand, some ladies get mega-horny when they’re on the rag. And then there’s people who kind of don’t care but would rather not have to wash the sheets and/or put down wee wee pads. These ladies might enjoy period-fucking in the shower, which saves everyone involved a step and is, I think, one of the most efficient types of fucking.
What I’m saying is that you’ll just have to ask the lady in question. Often the conversation will happen like this:
YOU: (working whatever come-on thing you like to work)
HER: (not really responding)
YOU: Wanna do it?
HER: I’m on my period.
If the “I’m on my period” part is said with a sense of finality, I’d take that as a no. If it’s a question, then you could say, “Oh, well, that’s cool,” and see where it takes you.
Because, like, unless you’ve been dating a long time or are people who talk about lady problems a lot, you probably won’t know that she’s experiencing her joyous moon-mother cycle of feminine power unless she tells you. And unless you’re really actively into the idea, I wouldn’t bring it up preemptively, because even for the same person things could be different month-to-month, in terms of female troubles.
PS: Hey ladies, don’t you think that instead of referring to an ice shoe, crampons should mean something period-related? No? Ok.
I just had the most insane experience. A client of mine (I’m a hairstylist) who I’ve seen once a month for approximately three years (for haircuts) asked me, two and a half years ago, “Do you like to play games?” I said, “Sure.” He proceeded to describe this elaborate plan of a missed-connection fantasy: Over a period of a couple years he would get to know me well and make me fall in love with him, so he could ignore me while I pined for him (my consolation prize for participation: oral sex from him). My thought was ‘Not possible.’ (I was in love with my live-in boyfriend at the time.) He relayed to me every possible feeling I could have when I realized what had happened (no novelty in things done by design) because he already knew, since he had done this to several women. So he lied to me for a year, claiming to have broken up with his girlfriend (never did). Anyway, three months ago, I fell for him. I had forgotten all about the “game,” but I just remembered now! His rationale was that he needed me to “make him feel like a man,” because if he played mind games with his girlfriend (the other one, not me) it would disrupt their relationship. What the hell?
Madam, I think you just answered your own question: What the hell, indeed.
Dear Audrey,
What’s the consensus of most ladies on period sex? I (a man) could go either way, but I don’t want to push if it’s not what girls like because I could totally just go without, but also I don’t want someone to think I’m squeamish and afraid of their body and naturalness and whatever.
You know, the all-chick sexual-decision-making body still hasn’t gotten its answer to me about this one, so I’ll just have to tell you what I know. Which is that, like most things, some people are into it and some people aren’t. Some ladies have the PMS (although I don’t understand why that term is used to apply to shit that happens during your period instead of just before it, but I don’t know what the preferred nomenclature would be). Anyway, so bloaty, crampy, tired, grumpy women are not usually women who are thinking to themselves, “Man, I could really use some deep dicking right now.”
On the other hand, some ladies get mega-horny when they’re on the rag. And then there’s people who kind of don’t care but would rather not have to wash the sheets and/or put down wee wee pads. These ladies might enjoy period-fucking in the shower, which saves everyone involved a step and is, I think, one of the most efficient types of fucking.
What I’m saying is that you’ll just have to ask the lady in question. Often the conversation will happen like this:
YOU: (working whatever come-on thing you like to work)
HER: (not really responding)
YOU: Wanna do it?
HER: I’m on my period.
If the “I’m on my period” part is said with a sense of finality, I’d take that as a no. If it’s a question, then you could say, “Oh, well, that’s cool,” and see where it takes you.
Because, like, unless you’ve been dating a long time or are people who talk about lady problems a lot, you probably won’t know that she’s experiencing her joyous moon-mother cycle of feminine power unless she tells you. And unless you’re really actively into the idea, I wouldn’t bring it up preemptively, because even for the same person things could be different month-to-month, in terms of female troubles.
PS: Hey ladies, don’t you think that instead of referring to an ice shoe, crampons should mean something period-related? No? Ok.
