The Most Pathetic Pick-up You’ve Ever Seen? 

We once got really drunk and emailed Charlotte Gainsbourg’s agent this weird, garbled French/English phonetic soup of a note, claiming that only we could make her truly happy. Surprisingly, nothing came of it.





MARY
Where she presides: The Red Cat, Chelsea
Favorite drink: Manhattan
You know how really bad pick-ups start? Guys asking what nationality you are. Which is actually an ok question, but not when you’re picking someone up. Then it’s really annoying. [A regular dips his finger in his drink, touches his shirt, dips again, touches the shirt of the girl sitting next to him, and says, “Let’s say we get out of these wet clothes.” Mary laughs. Then he says, “Wait! I got another one. Do you know much about real estate?” Mary shrugs. “Yeah, I guess.” The guy grabs his crotch and says, “Is this a lot?”]
   
DAVID
Where he presides: Brass Monkey, Meatpacking District
Favorite drink: Tequila
“Your hair is blue,” that was a pick up line that worked on me years ago. Now I’m married. And that’s actually gotten me a lot of attention from girls. Being married. [A regular chimes in, “I saw some guy say to a girl ‘you should have my abortion.’ And the worst part is she left with him. You know what I’ve found works? Looking for girls with Blackberries, because I have an iPhone, and then we can compare them. You know what else works? Asking girls if they’re ok. Or how they like their eggs in the morning. I actually make really good omlettes.”] Right. Those are all terrible. Another drink?
   
JESS
Where she presides: Milano’s, Soho
Favorite drink: Tequila
I don’t know if this is more pathetic or disturbing. Just yesterday some guy comes in and says, “I love the dimple on your chin.” See my dimple? So I say, “Thanks, whatever, what do you want to drink?” He says, “Can I chase you around on Saturday?” I say, “I’m flattered, but I have a boyfriend.” The guy says, “He doesn’t have to know.” So two hours later he’s completely shit-faced and I almost have to throw him out. He was calling me a bitch, a cunt-face and a nanny — because I keep serving the other customers along with him. So in two hours he went from wanting to chase me around to my threatening to call the cops.
   
KATYA
Where she presides: Merchants, Chelsea
Favorite drink: Mango martini
Oh, they never get away with picking up anyone here. And definitely not me. I cut them off at the very beginning.

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