For many years, the gay population has wondered just how to categorize all the different kinds of homos living around us. Mikey Lamar and Houston Whisenant have some ideas as to how to finally classify the homos in your hood.
A most misleading term, as the average age of these “boys” tends to be about 35 and over. They are best described as modeling their style after some sort of Bruce Weber fantasy, but generally have never heard of Bruce Weber. These Abercrombie and Fitch shoppers didn’t discover techno, house music, or ecstasy until after the 90s, and they haven’t let it go since.
Find Them At: XL,357 W. 16th St, Splash, 50 W. 70th St. G Lounge 225 W, 19th St. Barracuda 225 W 22nd St. View Bar 232 W Eighth Ave.
EAST VILLAGE FAGS
This group is noteworthy for their love of the words “fag” and “faggot” — hence the name. They like a bar with a jukebox and a 2-for-1 drink special on a Monday night. No need for décor or high-design in their venues. If the wall has a big hole in it, cover it with a board and graffiti it. They prefer “all-natural” deodorants to ones that actually work, giving them the reputation of being a bit stinky.
Find them at: The Cock, 118 Ave A. The Hole (RIP). Boysroom 9 Ave A. Nowhere, 322 E. 14 St. The Phoenix 477 E. 13th St. The Slide, 366 Bowery.
See above, but on a budget.
Find them at: Metropolitan, 559 Lorimer at Metropolitan.
These fellas moved to the Big Apple with a few
show tunes in their hearts, and dreams of making it big on Broadway. This is not likely to happen. What is more likely is that you’ll find them taking their dates to exotic locations as Red Lobster, Olive Garden, or Applebee’s, which is exactly why these places have so conveniently chosen to locate in Times Square.
Find them at: Post, 405 W. 51st St. Therapy 348 W 52nd St.
WALL STREET GAYS
Reimbursable business lunches while discussing stocks and bonds, long hours and basically no life outside of work are the defining characteristics of these guys. Their love of money frequently supercedes their sexuality, which in turn will all-too-commonly cause a secret life of sugar-daddying and glory-holing. Do these people exist?
UPPER EAST/WEST “STRAIGHTS”
Frequently found mingling at LGBT mixers and equal-rights conventions, these are the ones who’ll be gay, and don rainbow shirts to prove it. Walks in the park, quiet evenings at home by the fireplace, and once-a-week nights out to the theater or ballet give these men a common stick-up-the-ass (no pun intended) demeanor. Always talking about gay marriage and babies, this group strives for traditional straight life, but just gayer. (These are also the ones who will be most offended by this article.)
Find them at: O.W. Bar, 221 E. 58th St.
WEST VILLAGE QUEENS
Oh my, how the West Village has changed! Gone are the artists, musicians and intellectuals of yesteryear. These days the typical West Village Queen looks like she spent about two hours on a downtown 1 or 9 train before reaching the Christopher Street Station. If you’re looking to score a homie-sexual for the evening, this is your neighborhood — but don’t bother coming too early, this is a late-night area.
Find them at: The Duplex, 61 Christopher St. Pieces, 8 Christopher St.
These weekend warriors are often young enough, and fairly attractive, but COMPLETELY clueless. They think Kenneth Cole is high end, and instead settle for Banana Republic, and can be easily identified by their signature square-toed shoes. Welcome to the city, boys.
Find them at: Cafe Urge, 33 Second Ave.