The Plural of "Test" is Not "Testes"
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
About a week ago I had sex with a friend of mine after a drunken
night out. Everything's cool between us and we're still friends, but
recently a buddy of mine told me he slept with her a few years back and
she gave him an STD. It's possible he's full of shit, but I'm freaking
out — is there any way to delicately ask her if it's
true?
Yes, no doubt that conversation will go swimmingly. "Hey, Lauren, thanks again for the drunken lovemaking the other week — your finger-in-the-butt technique is superb, and will no doubt serve you well in the future. Good thing stuff's not weird between us! Anyway, in the course of telling all of our mutual acquaintances and everyone that I know that we boned, another of the dudes you got with mentioned you gave him chlamydia. T/F? Just asking. No big deal either way."
First off, I hope you were using a condom, because duh. And if so, you mostly probably don't have anything to worry about even if she does have an STD. And here's the thing: it's possibly not even any of your business!
Many STDs are curable. Herpes isn't, but isn't very transmissible if the person isn't having an outbreak (which, anyone who wouldn't tell you that they are having a herpes outbreak before you have sex is not your friend, plus you must have been pretty drunk not to notice) and HIV isn't, but the chances of transmission are slim to infinitesimal if you're having safe sex. Which is why we're all always having safe sex, right everybody? Don't make me get out my TLC condom eyepatch glasses (R.I.P., Left Eye).
I mean, you know, it's not many people that sit around for years with gonorrhea. Odds are, even if our girl Lauren did at one point have an STD, she probably got it treated and it's no longer an issue. So therefore: not really your business anyway.
Furthermore, I find the provenance of STDs to be a bit tricky, in general. I mean yes, there are people who have only slept with one person recently and then realize they have the clap, but generally, if you're fucking lots and lots of people and you get some kind of serious crotch rot, it's tough to say who gave it to you. And in fact, you might have given it to someone else in the course of things. So odds are your friend should probably just shut up.
The point is, relax. To be safe, if you're worried, go get tested. And most importantly: don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all, but I think you're moving too fast.
FREE BONUS HELPFUL INFORMATION ABOUT STD TESTING
No, this information is not included in the cover price of your L Magazine. I think we all know that Sex Machine Best Practices include regular STD tests for just in case's sake, but that shit is expensive and thank Congress for the no free health care. There are free testing centers in all five boroughs, and you don't even have to be 18/have parental consent to go.
You can head to our little NYC Guide to Free STD Testing page for a list of STD services available for free throughout the city, by which I mean testing and stuff, not, you know (unless you really want to bounce around nyc.gov, which, meh).
Lastly, in all seriousness, I know that it can be kind of scary to get tested and easy to put it off, but really, it is a good thing. Either you'll know you're disease-free, or you will be able to start a treatment that will help you. /PSA.
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