Oh now come on. There is no such guy as “Tony Romo”. I don't believe in
ghouls and goblins and gargoyles and ten headed bears with lizard's
bodies, and I certainly don't believe in “Tony Romo”. Urban legend,
chilling myth, severely disturbing acid fantasy- I don't know what you
want to categorize this as. But I feel absolutely prepared to say it is
not happening. There is no such man now quarterbacking the Dallas
Cowboys. Don't call me on Thanksgiving to tell me he's on TV. I don't
want to discuss it.
A few weeks ago, in this very column, I wrote the following:
final, desperate second half switch from limited but experienced
quarterback Drew Bledsoe to untested Tony Romo served principally to
underscore the main theme of the Big Tuna's final act as an NFL head
coach. Having now tried in relatively rapid succession Quincy Carter,
Vinny Testaverde, Drew Henson, Bledsoe, and now Romo, it seems
manifestly evident that the Tuna never really had a chance with any of
these guys. Samuel Coleridge himself never conjured a more woeful
refrain than that which has echoed through Parcells’s fraught four
seasons in Dallas: "I just don't have a quarterback." The Cowboys will
be the first team he has ever coached that he did not get remotely
close to a championship.
What possible reason would I have had to think otherwise? Why would
Bill Parcells have a prefabricated star quarterback stashed on the
sidelines- tall, mobile, cerebral, polished and confident? How would he
know to inject this alleged individual into the lineup at the very last
second before the final act of his coaching career came crumbling to a
hilariously ineffectual end? Perhaps, you are thinking, that is why
Parcells is going to the Hall of Fame, whereas I spend the majority of
my time searching for shiny gum wrappers at the Port Authority “Taco
Bell”. Maybe so. However, i feel with absolute certainty that this is
all an illusion.
Moreover, I believe I can categorically disprove the existence of this
man using simple deductive logic. For instance, take this common logic
A: No terriers wander among the signs of the zodiac;
B: Nothing that does not wander among the signs of the zodiac, is a comet;
C: Nothing but a terrier has a curly tail.
Conclusion: There is no chance that “Tony Romo” is who he says he is.
As you can plainly see, my position is nearly unimpeachable from a
mathematical perspective. So we can all feel far more comfortable
knowing that things are not remotely as they appear. But then what
really is going on here?! Some people have suggested to me that "Tony
Romo" is actually none other than Troy Aikmen. Those theorists posit
that Aikmen has taken four years off football, somehow completely
altered his appearance, and returned with an even more absurd name to
deliver the Cowboys back to prominence. I say: maybe. They do seem to
play a lot alike. I guess it's plausible. I don't think, as some more
extreme data analysts have proposed, that "Tony Romo" is cloned from
the DNA of Roger Staubach or (more disturbingly)Vince Farragamo.
Now, the great thinker Immanuel Kant attempted to show how philosophy
could prove the existence of God but allowed that we could not know
reality as thing-in-itself when losing by more than three scores.
Surely it is not likely "Tony Romo" is in fact the supreme ruler of the
time space continuum, and yet how to explain his ability to scramble
right and then throw accurately down field against his body? For Hegel,
God is imminent and especially efficient in the red zone. Perhaps he
too would have seen something of the immortal deity in “Romo”. Karl
Marx observes that religion is part of an ideological view that
encourages the oppressed to accept their fate, especially Drew Bledsoe.
However Søren Kierkegaard, widely viewed as the first existentialist,
would no doubt point out the absurdity of Bledsoe's penchant for taking
sacks. To Kierkegaard, the entire notion of faith is undermined by an
inability to beat the blitz. There can be no “afterlife” without a
sufficient protection scheme, as explained in his seminal article
“Dialectic Results Of A Flea-Flicker”.
All of this is fascinating and helps us to better understand the
concept of “Tony Romo”. But what it does not tell us is when this
ridiculous prank is going to end? For a nation beset by war, corrupt
institutions and an encroaching, widespread cynicism with respect to
our leadership, a full scale playoff run led by “Tony Romo” could lead
America inexorably down the path to insurrection and anarchy.
Interestingly, in Biblical prophecy the so called “End Times” are
marked by the arrival “silver dragon” who “runneth and throweth with
prowess, and maketh all the correct reads, even though he were an
undrafted free agent.” The posting of a high quarterback rating by this
individual is then followed in rapid succession by famine, pestilence,
earthquakes, train wrecks and eventually the extinction of the entire
Universe. Scholars have long puzzled over the meaning of these
enigmatic passages, with certain apocalyptic experts interpreting it to
suggest the arrival of Gus Frerotte. I am not one who is religiously
inclined, but it is difficult not to notice the ever increasing
resemblance between the platinum haired Parcells and the so called
“Whore Of Babylon”. Pascal's wager is suddenly looking like a pretty
decent value. Happy holidays and God help us all...