The other day I spilled chowder on my pants, which is one of the worst things a man can do. I defy anyone to salvage anything much of worth on any given day once this fate has befallen him. Embarrassing as the incident was, however, it really could not be helped. It was simply my unlucky fate to be consuming a thick soup when I was flabbergasted into a state of unrestrained astonishment by the remarks of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez addressing the UN General Assembly. Whatever one's particular political leanings, it is very hard to feel unsurprised when a foreign dignitary stands in front of an august gathering of world leaders and refers to the President of the United States as “the devil” eight times in one speech. Also an alcoholic, a donkey, a sick man and “dear world dictator.” This is really bulletin board material! Chavez's remarks, while unlikely to eclipse the Gettysburg Address in the esteem of major historians, really left a deep impression on me. That night, while falling asleep watching SportsCenter, I was visited by a sort of extended hallucination. If the UN can be this hilarious when limited to the robust tauntings of global power brokers, how much better would it be if we could get the right sort of figures from the sports world involved? Stick with me a minute, I think you'll come to see that I'm correct:
Permanent Mission Of The New York Giants
By Mr. Jeremy Shockey
Starting Tight End
Mr. Secretary General, Madam President, distinguished delegates, and ladies and gentlemen: I want to thank you for the privilege of speaking to this General Assembly. Last week my performance on the field was, in a word, delicious. Despite being hobbled by various maladies and hemmed in by a completely queer game plan I was able to rip down five passes for a total of 58 yards against the listless, poncey Seattle Seahawks. The fact that we trailed in this game 42-3 after three quarters should in no way reflect upon my awesome play. In short, I was the boss. I will do whatever it takes to win: anything and everything. Blocking in pass protection is kind of queer, but I'll even do that if I have to.
I want to talk this morning about a more hopeful world — a world that is within our reach. It is a world wherein we don't suck it for three quarters before dropping the A bomb on our opponents. At the start of the 21st century it is obvious that the planet is engaged in a great ideological struggle — so why not let the dogs out? What is the point in having weapons if you don't want to use them? In the open field I am the ultimate weapon. But too often the chains of oppression have kept me bound up by the line of scrimmage, blocking down on defensive ends and stunting tackles. Every organization travels the road to freedom at a different rate, but only the New York Giants’ has the option of using my blazing 4.6 speed to race past hapless safeties and linebackers for an uncontested six. The United Nations was created to make this journey possible. Wasn't it? Well, anyway together we must support the dreams of good and decent coaches who are looking to transform a woeful offense into the sort of balls-out attack we ran at the U in Miami. Thank you and God bless.
Handicapping Iran's Nuclear Ambitions
By Dick Vitale
ESPN Basketball Analyst
Mr. Secretary-General, Distinguished Delegates: I'm fired up baby! I get goosebumps just thinking about the kick-off of multi-lateral negotiations between Tehran and Washington and other permanent members of Security Council in 2007! I think the beauty of college basketball and global nuclear politics is that if you get one superstar leader and factor in the three point shot or enriched uranium, you can spring a major upset. The little guys can play with the big guys. You can't really say that about football.
Still, when you talk about your major nuclear powers, you've got to start at the top. Year in and year out, no one has the firepower of the good old US of A. This is a program that just keeps reloading year after year! You know the Russians are going to be dangerous if they can figure out where they hid their arsenal. And Israel, UK, Germany — they're all going to be in the tournament picture when it's all said and done. But what about the some of the programs currently flying under the radar?!! Kim Jong-Il brings a special passion, that winning mentality, to the North Korea situation. Depending on economic sanctions and conditions in other East Asian nations this could be an explosive year for them. And man, I love what is going on in Tehran. The Iranians clearly have made a good hire in Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — he's got the sort of philosophy to make big impressions in his conference. Although word is that despite Ahmadinejad's successes, certain influential boosters are continuing to push for a more free-flowing Princeton-style offense and the creation of a modified liberal democracy. Stay tuned, this soap opera could get interesting!
Message of Harmony and Prosperity From The New York Knicks
By Isiah Thomas
Coach and General Manager
Mr. Secretary-General: It is a pleasure to congratulate you and to wish you a year that is relatively free of crises and catastrophes. In other words, a year unlike the one we’ve just had during which my good friend Larry Brown demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt the total impairment of any previously held mental faculties.
Of all the events of last year, the one which stood out most tragically is our war with the other teams in the NBA. There I believe we lost a great deal of credibility in the eyes of the peoples of the world who had a right to expect that we would give at least the casual appearance of being a professional basketball team. We watched with great disappointment and dismay as we came to discover that our $212 billion dollar payroll had been spent entirely on players who were unaware of the league-wide rule that allows for “passing” the basketball.
Mr. Secretary-General, let me take a minute to reflect on Stephon Marbury, as so many have done. That he sanctioned the massacre in urban areas of several thousand well-constructed set plays is inarguable. Our organization cannot afford to ignore addressing situations which threaten international peace and security, such as the acquisition of Stevie Francis. To our friends in Charlotte, Toronto and Atlanta, we beseech you: allow us access to your salary cap space. In a world where there is no true partnership between rich and poor franchises there can be no global security, or at least not any more than 20 wins.
In any case, that's my idea. Many of you no doubt consider me little more than a feckless dreamer, and believe that none of this will ever come to pass. To those cynics I would offer only my extended hand in good will and the following excerpt from the UN Charter itself: “We the people of the United Nation's, to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, have retained the services of 'Super Agent' Drew Rosenhaus.” At least I think that's how it goes...