I’m happy to report that after last year’s brutal terrorist hostage-taking, Bill O’Reilly has rescued Christmas from its previous location of “under siege,” and with it comes another two months of court-ordered Jew-baiting and the unnecessary piling on of crap in an already crap-filled world. Normally, I take the Jew-bait and refuse to participate actively in Christmas (your Messiah, your stupid cookies — fuck you!) but I’m sick of feeling left out. I realize that my people have their own court-ordered holiday that involves gambling for shitty chocolate and receiving one of those big fat multi-ink pens (actual Schuman family H-kah present circa ’88), but Hegel said that Christianity is the best of all religions because it forces the transcendent to become immanent, and who am I to argue with that? After all, I don’t know what that means. All I know is that this December, Christian kids will get shitloads of loot while I get a pair of socks and that goddamned Molly Ivins book I gave my parents last year (with the inscription from me still in it). So this year, I’m a gentile; count me in. Call me by my new name — Kristen, or Kim, or Hot Girl with Tan — admire my highlight job, and bring me some crap. I even made you a list.
1. Samuel Alito’s Swift and Celebrated Confirmation on the Supreme Court
His much-maligned dissent in Casey v. Planned Parenthood — wherein he insisted broads should notify their old men before an abortion — is not a worryingly retrograde opinion that reduces women to chattel, but rather a shrewd attempt at household budget-consciousness. Ladies: abortions aren’t cheap, and if you just go spending seven bills of your hubby’s hard-earned money and there’s no Blahniks or liposuction to show for it, the balance book will be way off and you’ll go into the red paying off that 90-inch TV you financed last Christmas.
2. The Island of Manhattan to be Overrun by the Trader Joe’s Chain of Fake Health-Food Stores
Trader Joe’s makes Whole Foods look like an overpriced Wal-Mart with fancy spelling. Which it is. Sure, there aren’t as many free soup samples at TJ’s, so you can’t ostensibly “eat your lunch” there for “free,” but there is Charles Shaw wine, aka “two-buck Chuck,” and since I can purchase five bottles for less than the price of a Whole Foods ciabatta and butt-cheese arugula mustard-greens sandwich, who the fuck cares? I had wine for lunch. I’m drunk. Whoo! Do you think I’m pretty? I mean seriously... dyou think I’m pretty? Like if you saw me on the street would you go, “Heyat girls pretty”? Nobodylovesme. Blaaaargh.
3. A Dinner of Cheese Fries and a Tofurducken
Look, if a Turducken is ostensibly possible, then I see no reason it can’t be replicated with texured soy protein for our non-carnivorous friends. I see nothing odd about stuffing a fake chicken into the ass of a fake duck into the ass of a fake turkey.
4. The Copyright on the ‘Saved by the Bell’ Drinking Game
When Slater is wearing pants that reach higher than his ribs and are acid-washed, tapered and/or pleated, drink. If ‘the gang’ is participating in a dance group, volleyball tournament, benefit sketch-comedy show or musical ensemble, drink (drink twice if it’s “Zack Attack”). When Belding touches a man for any reason, drink. If Screech is wearing suspenders, drink. When Lisa mentions MC Hammer or anything else “ethnic,” drink.
So, there you have it. I’ve got the Protestant ethic, I’ve got the spirit of capitalism — I’m even wearing one of those stupid red hats. No, no, Santa, of course it doesn’t look stupid on you. Only on me.