Dear Audrey,
My girlfriend asked me if I’d try slapping her and pulling her hair during sex. We tried it, and afterward she said it wasn’t hard enough. We talked about it, and she feels like me asking for direction from her ruins the dominance vibe she’s interested in. How do we sort this out? I’m perfectly willing to try out whatever BDSM stuff she wants (not really my thing, but not averse, either) but I’m definitely worried about hurting her in the bad way.

I think the whole “safe word” idea was created pretty much exactly for this reason. I mean, you know, it is an issue: How to choke someone just hard enough? Call someone the appropriate amount of a “stupid slut whose filthy mouth is only good for fucking” without verging into hurt feelings territory? It is not always intuitive, and many etiquette books are vague on the matter.

The conventional wisdom is that it is much, much harder to find a good dom than a good sub. I think especially for dabblers in the lifestyle, being safely dominated is titillating, while dominating someone else, while titillating in theory, is quite a bit more work. There’s more thought, planning and care required. It is nice and correct that you’re willing to try out some freaky shit for your lady.

I would say this. First, decide together if you want to actually do some kind of scene thing, or if she just wants you to slap her ass while you’re fucking. If the latter, it’s really just a matter of trial and error. Slowly ramp up the amount of pepper you put on your slaps until she gives you the thumbs up afterward. Perhaps you could keep some sort of spreadsheet.

If the former, then you probably should go the safe-word route so that she does the whole, “‘Ow, stop, you’re hurting me,’ she squealed breathlessly, sweaty bosoms heaving in her corset” business. That way you can kind of play around with it, and when she says “banana-banana,” or whatever your word is, you’ll know that you’ve gone too far.

I understand the uncomfortable cultural resonance that exists around hitting a lady for dudes who believe women are people deserving of respect and autonomy. It’s a good thing, I think, that it causes you some squickyness. Clearly your ladyfriend trusts you not to get drunk on the heady brew of slapping around a chick and haul up and deck her during an argument. Sadly for your gender and our culture, that is a compliment.

Keep trying, you’ll get the hang of it. Hopefully you’ll eventually like it as much as she does.

Dear Audrey,
I have a lot of long, dark hairs on my boobs and around my nipples. Should I remove them? Is that normal?

Normal? Eh, probably. How much is a lot? Most ladies have some amount of boob hairs, though they don’t get the kind of attention from the waxing community that pubes and happy trails do. If you’re naturally a pretty hairy girl, I wouldn’t sweat it.

Hirsutism can be a symptom of various disorders, especially Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Other symptoms are weight gain, irregular periods, diabetes and insulin resistance. Maybe chat with your lady doctor about it next time you visit if you’re worried, or if you have any of the other symptoms.

As far as removal, that’s up to you, man. I know people who pluck them, or shave them when they’re shaving their armpits. Dunno anyone who waxes, not that that is necessarily something a friend would share. To my mind that sounds pretty fucking painful, even in the context of waxing one’s bush, and I would not bother.