The Serenity Prayer of Pubic Hair 

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Dear Audrey,
I hate the way my pubic hair looks. It grows in thin and scraggly. Do you think that if I shave it off it will grow in thicker? Or is there something else I can do? It makes me embarrassed whenever I have sex with a new person.

Unfortunately, one must play the pubic hair cards one was dealt or get rid of it. Given that most people are interested in minimizing or removing pubes, I don’t think a lot of research dollars have been spent figuring out how to make them more luxurious and fluffy. Based on the impossibility of reliably thickening and fluffifying head hair, though, I’d guess we haven’t found a way. The whole “shave it off and it’ll come back thicker” thing is a myth in all hair arenas.

I’ll tell you this, though: it seems to be the modern condition to fret about one’s pubes. Did I remove enough? Too much? Should I trim what’s left? How frequently should I perform pubic maintenance? What about stubble? Why can’t I feel loved and secure in an uncertain world? Does this make my pussy look as though it’s sporting a Hitler mustache (“the clitler”)?

And I get it. We are all worried about the reception our intimate areas will receive. Presumably anyone who gets a peek is someone we’re trying to impress, and the hair is something that we can, to some extent, have control over. But I’ve yet to hear of somebody thinking a sexual encounter was going great, getting all the way to the removing of the underpants, espying a partner’s pubic grooming, and going YUCK EW I CAN’T FUCK THAT IT’S OVER.

I mean, I’m sure it’s happened. The multiverse is a big place, filled with people. I’m sure that someone out there has a pube “thing.” But it seems to me that if things are otherwise going well, when a person slips their hand down into another person’s intimate apparel, their mind is generally thinking “yum, pussy and/or cock,” not “before this goes any further, let’s see what he or she has got going on with their public styling.”

So what I’m saying to you, and to all the other people who spend time—precious time from their one and only precious life on this earth—worrying about whether their pubes are appropriate and aesthetically pleasing, is: relax. Everything will be ok. Like your head hair and your face hair and your pit hair and your leg hair, your pubic hair is part of nature’s gift to you as a defenseless mammal, so do whatever the fuck you want with it. If you want to wax it as bald as a skinhead’s noggin, great. If you want to rock a luxurious fluffy original Joy of Sex-style bush, vaya con dios. If it pleases you to trim it high and tight, into a landing strip, a heart, a triangle, a soul patch, great! Do it! Keep it mowed down into a neat Augusta putting green or let it blossom into curly fecundity. However it grows, however you groom it, just be confident in what you’ve got down there and I suspect any non-asshole partner will not even notice one way or the other. Aleister Crowley may not have given the world a lot of useful wisdom, but he was right about one thing: when it comes to pubes, do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

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