Summer is quickly approaching. That means more daylight hours and sunny days to fill with rollerblading, biking, basketball, handball or running around in circles. But for the less active, not a fan of being sweaty, look better in the dark “indoor” crew here is a taste of what you can expect when you silence the ringer on your cell phone this summer. I’ll see you there. I’ll be the girl in the back in gym clothes. You may think to yourself, “Oh, she worked out and now she’s catching a movie on her way home.” Nope, I slept in these clothes and I’m catching a movie on my way to KFC.
The Da Vinci Code
“I liked the book better.” Just practicing.
Mission: Impossible III
Tom Cruise reprises his role as Ethan Hunt, and finally realizes that maybe its just Mission: Difficult. With a firmly rooted faith in Scientology, nothing is impossible.
X Men: The Last Stand
In the final installment of the X Men motion picture trilogy a “cure” for mutancy is discovered. Professor X and his fair-weather friend Magneto hold opposing viewpoints catalyzing a cataclysm.
Justin Timberlake flexes his (acting) muscles in this drama about Johnny Truelove, a 19-year-old suburban drug dealer, and the youngest man ever to appear on the FBI’s most wanted list. And JT takes his shirt off… have mercy.
See no Evil
What’s seven feet tall, unruly, probably not very graceful and ignites terror in the hearts of men? Jacob Goodnight, the psychopathic serial killer stalking a group of teens in an abandoned hotel in this horror film. Other acceptable answers: Manute Bol or me standing on a milk crate.
Art School Confidential
Daniel Clowes and Terry Zwigoff team up again for this comic-come-film. Bearing in mind Alan Moore’s recent refusal to be involved in the adaptation of his graphic novel V for Vendetta, Clowes’ role as screenwriter should be acknowledged.
This remake of 1972 classic The Poseidon Adventure features the same exact plot with one very big addition — Fergie, the firecracker from the Black Eyed Peas. I feel like you can only call someone a “firecracker” if they are relatively short. Fergie’s 5’2,’’ so I’m good.
Over the Hedge
(Tim Johnson, Karey Kirkpatrick)
This animated feature tells the story of R.J. the raccoon and Verne the turtle as they acclimate themselves to suburban life.
Twelve and Holding
When one of their friends dies unexpectedly, three adolescents deal with the tragedy in vastly different ways. IMDb.com suggests that if you like this film you might want to check out Ewoks: The Battle for Endor
Just My Luck
Ashley (Lohan) is one of the luckiest women in Manhattan, but when she kisses down-and-out Jake at a party she finds that they’ve not only swapped spit, and possibly a host of saliva-borne diseases, but fortune as well.
The Devil Wears Prada
And wears it well.
Superman embarks on a search for other survivors from Krypton. Following a Six-year absence he returns to find an Earth, and a Lois Lane, that no longer needs superheroes.
The Break Up
In addition to allowing viewers, the voyeuristic appeal of witnessing the film version of the real life Aniston/ Vaughn affair, this movie also features a character named “Tommy tuck in.” I am really hoping that, as his nicknames suggests, he will tuck in his shirt. Because this probably means he will also wear pleated slacks, and I love pleated slacks.
Doc about the New York Times crossword puzzle editor Will Shortz featuring interviews with celebrity crossword enthusiasts including Jon Stewart and Bill Clinton.
A Prairie Home Companion
A fictional behind the scenes look at the last broadcast of the nation’s most popular radio show. It is rated PG-13 for “risqué humor.” Naughty.
Jack Black plays a Mexican priest who competes as a Lucha Libre to protect his orphanage from financial ruin. Spoiler alert: Black dons very tasteful spandex garb and a sophisticated ‘stache.
Leonard Cohen: I’m your Man
Documentary about the legendary ladies man and gravelly-voiced crooner
The Heart of the Game
This documentary about a girl’s high school basketball team in Seattle is narrated by Ludacris, which means we will likely hear his sultry voice without actually having to look at his disproportionate face. And, the director’s first name is both a noun and a verb. I’m a nerd.
An architect (Adam Sandler) finds a universal remote that gives him the ability to fast forward and rewind his life. Zach Morris could only pause; this is a whole new level.
(Keenan Ivory Wayans)
This movie directed by one of the Wayans, is about a man (one of the other Wayans) who is so desperate to be a father that he mistakes a very small criminal (another of the Wayans) for a child and adopts him.
Little Miss Sunshine
(Jonathan Dayton, Valerie Faris)
A Seven-year-old girl and her family pile into their VW bus and trek to compete in the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant. This film holds the promise of inducing the best kind of laughter — laughter at the expense of a small child in makeup and a bouffant.
Edmond visits a fortuneteller and is convinced to give up his happy domestic existence for New York’s underbelly. A rumor is circulating that William H. Macy was left handcuffed and naked, with only a gym sock to cover his member, when the keys to the prop cuffs went missing.
Brothers of the Head
(Keith Fulton, Louie Pepe)
Conjoined twins are groomed into a punk boy band in this dark comedy. I just used the phrases “conjoined twins” and “boy band” in one sentence; my job is done here.
The quickly growing J-Horror subgenre serves up another installment with this remake of 2001’s Kairo. A group of teens seeks to discover the role that technology has been playing in a series of suicides.
Crisp white blazer with the sleeves rolled up. That’s all I’m saying.
Lady in the Water
(M. Night Shyamalan)
In a tale that began as a bedtime story for his kids M. Night Shymalan tells of an apartment building superintendent who rescues a girl from drowning and realizes she is actually a character from a fairy tale trying to make her way home.
A Scanner Darkly
In a futuristic society extreme drug abuse results in split personalities. Keanu Reeves plays a detective who is investigating his other personality who is a dealer. Amazing. Also, it is partially live action, partially animated. Anybody want to see this with me? I’ve been known to grab my date’s hand during the scary parts.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Johnny Depp returns as everyone’s favorite swashbuckler Captain Jack Sparrow, who must figure out a way to repay his blood debt to Davey Jones or face eternal damnation.
Snakes on a Plane
(David R. Ellis)
Unimprovable title. Seriously snakes, on a plane.
Henry Chinaski works thankless jobs to support his writing habit. Based on the novel by Charles Bukowski who bases the main character on himself. If you liked Barfly…
World Trade Center
A look at the tragedy, focusing on two Port Authority policemen who were the last survivors found in the rubble of the collapsed towers.