The Sweet Smell of Defeat
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
Recently I went on a medication that is really awesome for me in many ways, but has some sexual side effects. I still enjoy sex once I’m doing it, but I don’t feel interested in actively seeking it out. My boyfriend has been really cool and understanding about it, but still, I wish I were more interested. Especially since, as I said, once we get going, I totally enjoy it and am able to orgasm (I’m female). Is there any way to convince myself to be horny again?
Oh, sexual side-effects. You are not alone in this problem. Well, let me start with the duh disclaimer that nobody owes anybody sex and if you’re partnered and you lose your sex drive that sucks, and you guys should work on figuring out a way for both of you to be happy, but it’s never the case that you should feel required to just kind of grit your teeth and do it. That’s pretty much bad for everyone involved.
However, this sounds like a different thing altogether. It reminds me of exercise, which I really enjoy once I’m doing it, but it’s hard to want to put down the computer and change into work-out clothes and drag my ass to the gym and do it. Thinking about it that way, here are some motivational strategies that might work:
Make a schedule. Decide with your partner that you are going to fuck x times per week, at these times, then do it. That way you don’t think “eh, but I’d rather finish watching this show,” because you have already blocked out the time.
Concentrate on how good you feel when you are doing it. A couple of times a day, remind yourself how nice it is to get it on, and how much you enjoy it. Consume a lot of porn.
Things that don’t work: guilt and shame. Don’t beat yourself up, and be honest with your partner. Sure, it’s not as romantic to do so much thinking and talking and scheduling around sex, but unfortunately life is more complicated than we want it to be sometimes. He sounds like a good dude, but it’s hard on the ego to not be wanted, even if you intellectually understand what the deal is. Talking honestly about shit will help both of you to feel like you can work this out as a team. We are strange animals sometimes, in how difficult sex can be to get right.
Dear Audrey,
So I have this smell thing. Some smells turn me on, but even weirder, some smells REALLY turn me off. Is this real? Am I nuts? It kind of makes things hard with random hookups to explain why their (totally not-weird-smelling) deodorant/air freshener/ambient room smell really doesn’t do it for me.
Uh, maybe bring people back to your place? Vicks Vap-o-rub under the nose when sexing in unfamiliar territory? Like on CSI when there is an extra-gross body?
I feel certain that what you are experiencing is “real,” insomuch as anything subjective is. Why not? Some people are really visual in terms of sex. I guess you are just really smell-driven. I mean, obviously this poses some unusual challenges but in the end, who doesn’t have some weird sex shit they need to figure out?
In fact, it could be pretty awesome for a future boy- or girlfriend: they could totally Pavlov you right into bed by bringing home a Cinnabon or whatever it is that gets your juices flowing. (Yes, Cinnabon was the first thing I thought of when I thought of attractive smells. I’m not sure what that means.) People and their wiring are weird, man. That’s all I’ve really got today. Take your sex Proust sense of smell and go with it.
