“There’s Something Under the Bed…”
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
Recently I had sex with this guy. It was nice, I like him, and I would consider further sex or a relationship. Except that as I was getting dressed, I saw a fetish magazine and other gear stuck under his bed (cosplay/furry). I asked his roommate about it, and the roommate said that he knows the guy has gone to at least one convention. This is not a fetish I’m interested in exploring. Should I stop seeing this guy? Confront him about it? Wait for him to bring it up? Nowhere in our sex-having has he so far mentioned anything about the fetish.
I feel like I hear variations of this question a lot. The “I found out a fetish thing about a partner somehow and should I be worried” question. Not usually about furries, because frankly, I’ve always assumed that there are a lot more people fascinated by furries than there are actual furries, but who knows.
To my mind, it’s sort of a dick move to say to someone you’re having sex with, “Hey, through snooping/an
accident, I learned about a sex thing you like that I think is gross. If you ask me to do it, I’m going to stop having sex with you. So anyway, do you actually enjoy this thing I’ve expressed complete disdain about?”
Like, I understand your desire to head things off at the pass and not create a situation that will end in hurt feelings. But attempting to do that by creating a situation where you are hurting someone’s feelings seems like a shitty, not to mention nonsensical, way of doing that.
I have to imagine that someone who enjoys non-vanilla sex — particularly of a variety so thoroughly made fun of in popular culture — is not exactly going to be surprised to find out that a random partner doesn’t share his fetish.
Clearly this guy also enjoys the type of sex you two had. Maybe he’s still figuring out his sexual identity. Maybe it will create an impasse down the line. Maybe he enjoys having straight partners as well as kinky partners. Maybe you’ll find out at some point that you too enjoy different types of sex, if you give them a try.
The world is filled with the unknowable, and to my mind, this relationship is just as possibly fraught as any new relationship. If you are absolutely 100 percent squicked out by anyone who deviates from the prescribed sexual hegemony, then I guess stop fucking this guy, but realize that you’re eliminating a whole hell of a lot of potential partners, as well as limiting your own possibilities for exploring a wider range of sexual enjoyment.
Otherwise, why not just take it as it comes, as in any relationship anywhere. There’s a chance you’ll end up incompatible, but that chance is always there for anyone. If you really feel the need to “confront” him, please do it in a cool, non-shaming way. Trust me, people are well aware of the shame they are meant to feel for deviating from the norm.
A kind reader took the time to respond to my question about the pube dye:
“Pube dye might be a good way for women to stop being forced to prepubescence with the social necessity to shave it all. Of course women aren’t forced, per se, but it’s considered unkempt and borderline ‘gross’ for a woman not to be clean-shaven. Personally I keep at least a little patch as proof that I have reached the age of 18 and am a woman, but to some this is just blasphemy, which is ridiculous. So I’d like to go with this pube dying thing. Maybe it’ll distract guys from putting pressure on girls to stay submissive. (And maybe I’m going out on a crazy limb here, but I think I made my point.)”
Recently I had sex with this guy. It was nice, I like him, and I would consider further sex or a relationship. Except that as I was getting dressed, I saw a fetish magazine and other gear stuck under his bed (cosplay/furry). I asked his roommate about it, and the roommate said that he knows the guy has gone to at least one convention. This is not a fetish I’m interested in exploring. Should I stop seeing this guy? Confront him about it? Wait for him to bring it up? Nowhere in our sex-having has he so far mentioned anything about the fetish.
I feel like I hear variations of this question a lot. The “I found out a fetish thing about a partner somehow and should I be worried” question. Not usually about furries, because frankly, I’ve always assumed that there are a lot more people fascinated by furries than there are actual furries, but who knows.
To my mind, it’s sort of a dick move to say to someone you’re having sex with, “Hey, through snooping/an
accident, I learned about a sex thing you like that I think is gross. If you ask me to do it, I’m going to stop having sex with you. So anyway, do you actually enjoy this thing I’ve expressed complete disdain about?”
Like, I understand your desire to head things off at the pass and not create a situation that will end in hurt feelings. But attempting to do that by creating a situation where you are hurting someone’s feelings seems like a shitty, not to mention nonsensical, way of doing that.
I have to imagine that someone who enjoys non-vanilla sex — particularly of a variety so thoroughly made fun of in popular culture — is not exactly going to be surprised to find out that a random partner doesn’t share his fetish.
Clearly this guy also enjoys the type of sex you two had. Maybe he’s still figuring out his sexual identity. Maybe it will create an impasse down the line. Maybe he enjoys having straight partners as well as kinky partners. Maybe you’ll find out at some point that you too enjoy different types of sex, if you give them a try.
The world is filled with the unknowable, and to my mind, this relationship is just as possibly fraught as any new relationship. If you are absolutely 100 percent squicked out by anyone who deviates from the prescribed sexual hegemony, then I guess stop fucking this guy, but realize that you’re eliminating a whole hell of a lot of potential partners, as well as limiting your own possibilities for exploring a wider range of sexual enjoyment.
Otherwise, why not just take it as it comes, as in any relationship anywhere. There’s a chance you’ll end up incompatible, but that chance is always there for anyone. If you really feel the need to “confront” him, please do it in a cool, non-shaming way. Trust me, people are well aware of the shame they are meant to feel for deviating from the norm.
A kind reader took the time to respond to my question about the pube dye:
“Pube dye might be a good way for women to stop being forced to prepubescence with the social necessity to shave it all. Of course women aren’t forced, per se, but it’s considered unkempt and borderline ‘gross’ for a woman not to be clean-shaven. Personally I keep at least a little patch as proof that I have reached the age of 18 and am a woman, but to some this is just blasphemy, which is ridiculous. So I’d like to go with this pube dying thing. Maybe it’ll distract guys from putting pressure on girls to stay submissive. (And maybe I’m going out on a crazy limb here, but I think I made my point.)”
