Three... Is the Magic Number? 


Dear Audrey,
My boyfriend and I have been monogamous for four years. On vacation a few months ago we were propositioned by another man for a threesome but we turned him down. At first I was into the idea but thought my partner wouldn’t be, but since getting home he has brought up the idea as something he might like to try. I don’t want to, but I’m afraid to say no. Who wants to be the prude? Not me. What do I do?


Ugh, TOTALLY. Nobody wants to be the boring-sex one. Especially when you’ve been together that long, ‘cause you’re like, “Oh no, am I building up resentment because I won’t respond to the other person’s attempts to spice up our sex life? Am I secretly lame and sexually inhibited?” That is exactly how you end up having totally awkward role-playing sessions that end with one person mad because the other didn’t understand that he was supposed to be playing a shy, reluctant, yet unable-to-control-his-lust-ful gym teacher, not a pervy lecherous gym teacher. Anyway.

Generally, shit like that ends up being fine, even if one partner is sorta not into it: worst-case scenario, everyone comes away feeling a bit awkward/sore; best-case scenario, you find something you’re both really excited about and enjoy. New sex hobby! Yay! Post-coital nachos all around! But it seems to me that bringing in another partner requires more caution. It’s a semi-big deal, particularly if you guys haven’t fucked anyone else in four years.

Just anecdotally, and now I’m the prude, I’ve found it to be the case that threeways with one partner not being completely happy with the idea and who’s just doing it to be a game, supportive partner don’t go very well. And can lead to a lot of post-fucking issues.

Now it’s totally possible that you will give it a go and while being double-teamed by your partner and some stranger experience a revelation that this was what was always missing from your life. But my gut says that when it comes to getting another person involved in your otherwise-monogamous relationship, approach it warily and don’t do it if you’re not sure.

Which isn’t a no forever, right? Maybe you’ll meet the right third, or get to a different point in your life, and all of a sudden be like ‘threeway, boom, let’s get this done. If I am not in a catpile of boys within 20 minutes, I’m going to be a sad pony.’ But I think it’s completely ok and not prudish to say no for now, or “let’s think/talk about it more,” or “I haven’t met someone I’d want in our bed just yet.”

And if your partner’s being a dick about it, tell him he’s being a dick. Lastly, and I’m totally going to get my Sex Positive Feminist Advice Lady card yanked for saying this, but I kind of think that for some (not all!) not-generally-polyamorous people in committed relationships, the fantasy of having a guest fuckbuddy is hotter than the actual human reality of the thing. Not always! But sometimes.

Dear Audrey,
Can I really change the taste of my sperm based on what I eat?


Eh, maybe. Experts disagree — anyone wants to set up a double-blind taste test, gimme a call. Some people claim that meat and milk make your baby batter stinky; fruit, alcohol and high-sugar things make it mild; and curries and spicy peppers give it a zesty piquancy. I, based on nothing but my experiences out in the big wide world, am skeptical, particularly of one internet lady’s claim that vegetarians’ jizz has a “nutty” flavor. Unless she means like testicles? Anyway, it’s definitely not like these snozzberries taste like snozzberries, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to eat a healthy, vegetable-rich diet. If you won’t do it for your health, do it for your spooge flavor.

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