Three... Is the Magic Number? 

Dear Audrey,
My partner was working away down south when he pushed my hips up and traveled even farther south. I was about to stop him when a wave of enjoyment overwhelmed me. Since then “rim-jobs” (there has got to be a better name) and fingering my ass have brought the most powerful and emotional climaxes that I have ever had in my life.

Last night when I was giving a blowjob he rolled over onto his stomach. A panic overcame me. I do not know how to give a rim-job and actually I do not want to give a rim-job. Men’s assholes are different from female assholes. I rolled him back over and brought him to climax. 

Is this a double standard, am I obligated to lick his a-hole because I receive it? If so, what should I do?

Well, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but you’d be kind of an asshole (zing!) to take and not give. I think your claim that dude buttholes are somehow grosser than lady buttholes is pretty weak. If getting ass play has been so transformatively awesome for you, would you deny your partner that same joy? Especially given that he has a prostate in there? Seems a little shitty (zoink!)

Aaaanyway, if you really really aren’t into it, you need to talk to him and explain that. Don’t be surprised if he thinks you’re a jerk. But if you’re just nervous about it, talk to him. Ask what he wants you to do, take things slow. Explain your hesitation and work out ways that you can make things more comfortable for you. As in all things, communicate.

It is not impolite to ask him to take a shower first, either, if you’re worried about hygiene stuff. In fact, it would be prudent for both of you to be using gloves and dental dams. Lastly, people of the world, do not deny yourselves butthole pleasures. It’s not that icky back there. I promise.

Dear Audrey,
I’m not sure how to address this with my girlfriend, but I need to suggest when she groom that she groom all the way back. Let me put it this way, the window front looks decent, but the storeroom is a mess. Too much hair turns me off. Before you ask, yes, I groom (don’t think most guys do). Anyhow, not sure how to break this to her without hurting her feelings or making her self-conscious. Thoughts?

Well jeepers, I don’t know how comparing a woman’s reproductive organs to a poorly run shop of some kind could make anyone feel bad about themselves. She must be pretty sensitive.

But so, hair turns you off. Fair enough. We’ve all got our things. I think the way to do it is to really make it clear that you’re aware that your preference is not the norm, and that you are not calling her some kind of slob, but rather asking a favor. You know? Like say how there is a spectrum of preferences about that and some dudes want a beard-dwarfingly fat old ‘70’s-Joy-of-Sex muff to dive in and other people prefer a completely defoliated pubis, and you don’t wish to make her feel uncomfortable but would she consider waxing all the way back for you.

Realize, though, that it’s fully within her rights to be like fuck you, no way. If you are as groomed as you claim, then you know that shaving is not an option at that point. Getting your pussy lips and taint waxed can be painful and expensive. So ask nicely. It is within her rights to refuse and within your rights to break up with her.
Best-case scenario, she’ll say, “Sure honey, for you I’d be happy to.” And then you will thank her by licking that bald pussy at every possible opportunity. 


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