Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree 

Dear Audrey,

Speaking of gross internet sex phenomena, when I was 14 years old, back in 1977, me and a friend found a box of Hustlers in the nearby woods. It was summer and we were two teenage boys discovering the magical possibilities of wanking. But the issue that stands out in memory was the one in which the good Mr. Flynt decided to publish horrifying images culled from the Vietnam War. Awful photos of bodies with mortar wounds and missing heads. I beheld these photos and could feel a deep, existential pang start to develop in my guts — then I’d turn the page and see a cum-drenched woman spreading her vagina as wide as possible. What can be learned from this? Maybe nothing as I ponder the extreme, democratized internet offerings of 2girls1cup, and still feel those pangs of horror. But I’m an artist now and Salvador Dalí loved watching his beloved Gala defecate. What gives?

You know who else loved watching chicks shit on stuff? James Joyce. Perhaps the internet is helping us to raise a generation of coprophiliac mega-geniuses. Take note, manufacturers of the Baby Einstein line of products.
Second, people, come on. I read my email first thing in the morning. Let’s make a pact only to use phrases like “cum-drenched” if we really have to.

Third, perhaps there is a parallel that can be drawn between artistic creativity and a non-vanilla sexuality, though it seems a little bit correlation-not-causation-y, and also, I wouldn’t put your accidental conflation of horrific wartime images and sexual images in the same category as a dude who likes him some hot lunch. I mean, one is a harmless kink that brings a guy pleasure and the other is an unintentional and unwanted resonance of horror for you in sexuality. If this really is still affecting your ability to enjoy sex, you should talk to a professional about it. Don’t let Larry Flynt take away your happiness.

Finally, yes: what gives, indeed?

Dear Audrey,

My friend and I were discussing Lance Armstrong and it led to a discussion of whether or not you can get a boner without balls. Can you?

Well first of all, let’s be clear that Lance has one testicle left. So he can, barring other issues, do everything that a guy with two or even three balls can do, plus ride a bike really good.

To answer your question, though, yes, it is possible to get a boner without balls. Some men who have lost their testes take extra testosterone, since without as much T it can be harder to get/keep wood. It is relatively easy to replace the testosterone supplied by the nuts, but losing both does mean that you can’t reproduce any more. On the plus side, it means you now have a handy little sack for storing things right there below your dick. How convenient! Like nature’s pocket.

More Hair Care For Down There

Yes, the pube talk continues. In these modern times, pubic issues are on the minds of the people. A kindly reader writes in response to the itchy stubble question:

Just a helpful hint — vitamin E oil (either break the capsules or you can buy the oil) does wonders for itchy shaved areas...

And while we’re still on the subject, two things.

A) I learned a great tip from a stripper about how to keep whatever area you shave non-itchy and non-ingrown-hair-y: put deodorant on the newly shaved area right out of the shower. I think we all know to listen to strippers in these matters — that shit really works.

B) This pube dye that has ads all over the subway now. Are people doing this? Does anyone have enough bush to dye any more? My interest is piqued. I am officially welcoming stories/explanations from anyone who has bothered to color their pubic hair. God help me.


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