Trouble With Spoo-Mouth?
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
I am about to propose to my girlfriend of six years, but I am having trouble with one issue — our sex life. The first two years of our relationship, we were like rabbits, and our “adult” activities were crazy fun. However, over the past four years, our sex life has trickled down to two to three times a month. As a hopeless romantic I have tried everything to make life a little hotter — but no success. We sat down and discussed the issue a couple of times; her response is that her libido is just not as high as it used to be. A couple of my close friends say that I should really think about this issue before popping the question — it is one of the major issues in divorce. I keep waiting for the legendary “horny-ness” when a woman reaches 28, as reported by Cosmo, and when my girlfriend reached 28 it was 30 and now that she is 30, I have been told it is 38. Am I just another Cabeza de Vaca looking for a golden city that does not exist? Should I cash in my chips, or stick it out and propose?
Wow, but you make getting married sound like so much fun! So many metaphors, all of them kind of depressing. Look, in all relationships, some of the initial lustiness fades. That’s just life. But it’s up to you how important tons of boning is to your happiness. I’d suggest the old spice-up-your-romance-furry-handcuff-sex-dice crap, but it sounds like you’ve already tried that. Whether or not there’s some kind of magical horniness resurgence at a certain age, it definitely isn’t the fountain of eternal libido. Given that marriage is forever, that seems problematic. I would guess that what you guys are doing now is probably about what you can count on from here on out.
Only you can say if your diminished sex life is unfulfilling enough to make you look for someone else — fucking is important, but more important to some people than others. Just don’t get married expecting all your problems to magically get fixed and then divorced two years later when everything is still the same. Good luck, dude. It doesn’t sound like an easy decision to make.
Dear Audrey,
I often give my boyfriend a blowjob after I’ve gotten in bed with him, just to go to sleep. At this point, I’ve already brushed my teeth, and I just roll over and go to sleep. I just found out I have seven cavities — could going to sleep with a mouthful of carbs and protein be responsible for my tooth decay?
Well, according to the Mayo (har har) Clinic, “certain foods and drinks” are more likely to cause tooth decay, especially fermentable carbohydrates like milk, honey, soda, etc. Also “not brushing.” They don’t specifically mention baby gravy, but I think we can all agree that “ew please don’t do this it gives me the squiggles seriously don’t.”
Q. What is worse than kissing morning breath?
A. Kissing a mouth full of jizz, eight hours later. I mean, I’m not a dentist or anything, but ick.
Don’t get me wrong — you are a mega champ for being so forthcoming with the blowjobs. And while I totally understand the post-coital desire to just drift off into a cum-glazed dreamland, consider this: Q. What is worse than kissing morning breath? A. Kissing a mouth full of jizz, eight hours later. I mean, I’m not a dentist or anything, but ick.
What I’m saying is that while it seems totally plausible that sucking dick is causing your cavities, going to sleep with a fresh spoo-mouth seems like a bad idea for a number of reasons, all of them horrifying. If you aren’t feeling up to a full re-brush, might I suggest mouthwash or even just a swish with some water? All of us — me, you, your dentist, your boyfriend — will sleep better at night knowing that there are not ejaculate-fed plaque bacteria floating around out there, causing tooth decay. [Shivers.]
I am about to propose to my girlfriend of six years, but I am having trouble with one issue — our sex life. The first two years of our relationship, we were like rabbits, and our “adult” activities were crazy fun. However, over the past four years, our sex life has trickled down to two to three times a month. As a hopeless romantic I have tried everything to make life a little hotter — but no success. We sat down and discussed the issue a couple of times; her response is that her libido is just not as high as it used to be. A couple of my close friends say that I should really think about this issue before popping the question — it is one of the major issues in divorce. I keep waiting for the legendary “horny-ness” when a woman reaches 28, as reported by Cosmo, and when my girlfriend reached 28 it was 30 and now that she is 30, I have been told it is 38. Am I just another Cabeza de Vaca looking for a golden city that does not exist? Should I cash in my chips, or stick it out and propose?
Wow, but you make getting married sound like so much fun! So many metaphors, all of them kind of depressing. Look, in all relationships, some of the initial lustiness fades. That’s just life. But it’s up to you how important tons of boning is to your happiness. I’d suggest the old spice-up-your-romance-furry-handcuff-sex-dice crap, but it sounds like you’ve already tried that. Whether or not there’s some kind of magical horniness resurgence at a certain age, it definitely isn’t the fountain of eternal libido. Given that marriage is forever, that seems problematic. I would guess that what you guys are doing now is probably about what you can count on from here on out.
Only you can say if your diminished sex life is unfulfilling enough to make you look for someone else — fucking is important, but more important to some people than others. Just don’t get married expecting all your problems to magically get fixed and then divorced two years later when everything is still the same. Good luck, dude. It doesn’t sound like an easy decision to make.
Dear Audrey,
I often give my boyfriend a blowjob after I’ve gotten in bed with him, just to go to sleep. At this point, I’ve already brushed my teeth, and I just roll over and go to sleep. I just found out I have seven cavities — could going to sleep with a mouthful of carbs and protein be responsible for my tooth decay?
Well, according to the Mayo (har har) Clinic, “certain foods and drinks” are more likely to cause tooth decay, especially fermentable carbohydrates like milk, honey, soda, etc. Also “not brushing.” They don’t specifically mention baby gravy, but I think we can all agree that “ew please don’t do this it gives me the squiggles seriously don’t.”
Q. What is worse than kissing morning breath?
A. Kissing a mouth full of jizz, eight hours later. I mean, I’m not a dentist or anything, but ick.
Don’t get me wrong — you are a mega champ for being so forthcoming with the blowjobs. And while I totally understand the post-coital desire to just drift off into a cum-glazed dreamland, consider this: Q. What is worse than kissing morning breath? A. Kissing a mouth full of jizz, eight hours later. I mean, I’m not a dentist or anything, but ick.
What I’m saying is that while it seems totally plausible that sucking dick is causing your cavities, going to sleep with a fresh spoo-mouth seems like a bad idea for a number of reasons, all of them horrifying. If you aren’t feeling up to a full re-brush, might I suggest mouthwash or even just a swish with some water? All of us — me, you, your dentist, your boyfriend — will sleep better at night knowing that there are not ejaculate-fed plaque bacteria floating around out there, causing tooth decay. [Shivers.]
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